Thirty-five
Weddings and Funerals
“I have to tell you this is not my first time. Well, it is
my third. But we are worried about something. What
denomination are you?”
“American Baptist,” I answered.
“We used to be Catholic. What happens then?”
“Well, if I did the ceremony that would make you
Methodists.”
Weddings and funerals have presented me with
excellent opportunities to present the gospel,
and have, in fact, generally expanded my pastoral
ministry.
Weddings are not necessarily easily done. I have
six or seven wedding ceremonies that cover most
situations.* It is irrelevant to me whether people have
a church or religious background or not. (On this
subject I may seem to be hopelessly liberal, but I have
adopted this approach so that I can present the gospel
to people I might not otherwise encounter.)
Furthermore, I do not require premarital classes
though I know most ministers will. Because of the high
divorce rate some are calling for a renewed emphasis
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for premarital counseling as though this would be the
great cure. It does not seem so to me, but I think
premarital classes and counseling may be helpful.
It is enough that a couple wants to be married; my
view is that adults understand what they are doing and
do not need me involved in the process. If requested,
I will discuss pertinent issues. Few couples want to.
When I ran the Marin Christian Counseling Center
I would not marry anyone unless they went through a
six-week premarital session with me. I soon discovered
that people would not be honest about themselves or
their relationship out of fear I would disapprove or
attempt to interfere. In the fifth week I would ask,
“How do you fight?” I wanted to get at a couple’s
strategy for conflict resolution. Invariably the response
was, “We don’t fight.” I figured this had to be a lie. As
a result, I began to question the value of my premarital
counseling. And the truth is I am not trained to be a
marriage counselor.
Couples I marry do not have to be attendees of
Miller Avenue. The same holds true for a funeral. I
will accept almost any wedding or funeral that comes
my way. However, I will not perform the so called
“sacred unions”; I will not join homosexuals, and I will
not perform phony ceremonies for people (men and
women) who are living together and merely want their
union ”blessed”, so-called, without the legal formality.
But I will marry anyone who can be legally married
and where there is nothing theologically or morally
questionable in the ceremony. And I do this service to
the best of my ability.
The primary ministry to the people I marry occurs
when I send out a sermon tape to acknowledge
anniversaries. It has proven to be a good way to present
the gospel. To many of the people I perform weddings
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for I become their pastor. When the normal crises of
life occur, I may get a phone call. Some wonderful
things have happened. Without exaggeration, the most
fruitful evangelism I engage in occurs in and around
weddings.
When I do a wedding I do not preach at it. I do not
say anything in the wedding other than what the couple
wants me to say. The wedding is not the place to preach
the gospel. A wedding is a wedding; it is not appropriate
to take advantage of that circumstance.
It is the same with a funeral; I do not present the
gospel unless I am specifically invited to do that. I will
make certain statements and make myself available as
best I can. Before the funeral or after the funeral I have
a chance to personally present the gospel, but I will
not take advantage of the circumstances. I am there to
perform a particular function and I carry that out in the
most dignified and helpful way I can.
On my computer I have different funeral
ceremonies or orders of service and all I usually do is
fill in the blanks. In addition, I have a number of
bulletin covers available that are suitable for a funeral.
There is never much lead-time for funerals; in fact, I
have been called in the morning to do a funeral that
afternoon.
When I receive a call for a funeral my first objective
is to meet with the people who have experienced the
loss. In that meeting I negotiate the contents of the
bulletin that I will prepare for the memorial or funeral
service. I hope to build rapport, I want people to feel
comfortable with me. A week for so after the service, I
may contact the principle people by mail or phone and
offer to visit them. Additionally, I will contact them
again on the anniversary of the death. Usually a grieving
person has sufficient support early on, but that support
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diminishes over time. Being aware of this, I will make
contact later on.
Weddings and funerals are rather stressful,
especially the weddings. I’ve made some rather glaring
errors at weddings. One of the worst occurred when I
asked the bride, “Do you Suzy, take Joe, to be your
wedded wife?” Once I presided at a wedding where
hundreds of the cream of Marin society turned up. I
couldn’t calm down for two days afterward.
People often want to know if they can give money
and I say “Yes.” It is not helpful to be shy at that point.
Name a figure and say, “Thank you.” Put the money
in the offering plate or put it away for fun family
outings.
Imagine the worst that could go wrong at a wedding
or a funeral?
Whatever you thought of could easily happen to you
one day?
If you were invited to present the gospel at a funeral,
how would you go about it?
*I have wedding ceremonies and funeral services on file in my
computer that I will be glad to e-mail to anyone who wants them.