How did it happen, Francisco, that you gave up?” I asked.
“I just don’t care anymore. What difference does it make anyway? As hard as I try, I keep ending up back here in prison.”
A familiar theme
Though I may hear this equally from a John Smith, a Hector Lopez, a Tyrone Jackson, or a Jack Ten Eagles on my visits to San Quentin Prison, it is the cry of despair and resignation. Emanating often from a giant reservoir of anger, directed towards both society and self, it is an attitude that surely condemns a person to a life of pain.
I am acquainted with it myself. After my divorce in which I lost everything – my family, my job, my home, even my car – I felt as if I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. It was as if I had entered a black hole. For two solid years I walked around depressed and behaved as though it didn’t matter if I lived or died. I am convinced that if the God of the twenty-third Psalm had not walked with me during that time, I would have indeed died, if not literally, then in every other way. But even during the darkest days, I knew I belonged to Jesus and that he belonged to me. In a way I do not understand, he lifted me up out of the “slimy pit, out of the mud and mire,” and set my feet, once again, on the solid rock. So, at the prison, I feel as though I am a beggar telling another beggar that there is hope.
How does it happen?
Sin is mysterious and powerful, and it is something that dwells in us all. Sin separates us from God, and it separates us from others and even ourselves. We end up alone. Even within a loving family we are alone, trapped deep inside ourselves. If we follow our rebellious nature and are not reigned in or rescued by circumstances – family, friends, the law, the school, the church, and so on – the sin will work like a cancer in us, destroying us a little bit at a time. After a while, all can be lost, every dream dashed to pieces, and we don’t care anymore. Into the dark cloud we go, and our blindness overwhelms us.
Of course, this does not happen to us all like it did to Francisco, or even to me; most of us do not get to the very bottom. But we may all approach it. Some days simply go wrong. Bad day may be added to bad week and then joined to awful months. It may be illness, financial disaster, extreme family troubles, rejections, losses, major discouragements – with little light at the end of the tunnel. And if there is no strong foundation like there was for me, well, anything might happen.
Never give up!
Forgiveness of sin is a wonderful thing. Knowing that God is real and that he cares for us is a powerful realization. The fact that this world is not our ultimate home brings us great hope and joy. Jesus went to the very end of all things for us, dying in our place. He took the worst there is and did itfor us. However bad it gets, Jesus can rescue us and He does it regularly and consistently. To the Franciscos in the dark cloud, I can confidently assure them that, although they have given up on themselves, Jesus has not. He is like that Father who sees his runaway son coming back home and hurries to embrace him; or like the Good Shepherd who walks the dreaded places searching for the lost and wounded sheep. He never gives up, so even if you don’t care anymore, you must never give up either.