Just when I thought it was all good

Three days before opening day, which is May 7, I am licking my wounds from being pummeled at yet another meeting with the supervisors, whose names I cannot mention due to political and other reasons.

It was bad. The cons had gotten their way, it seemed, and all my plans were set aside–the number of games the A’s would play, who would schedule the games for them (not me), and the “B” status of the team. I was blindsided and things were said about me, supposedly by my own coaches, which put my reputation at risk.

For a day after the meeting I did nothing. First thing I did was to poll my coaches to see if anyone had actually complained about me. Took an hour to find out there was nothing to the accusation at all. I knew it was a phony charge but I had to be able to state clearly and emphatically what had taken place. We reasoned that it had to come from one certain state employee who resented the authority I had. Perhaps so, but now there was turmoil among the coaches since the employee had gotten two of them to undertake the responsibilities I have exercised for years.

Upon finding out what had happened behind closed doors I merely relented and said okay. After two days however, everything went back to normal. When faced with it, and especially by the way they had been manipulated into areas they did not want to go, my coaches refused to go along and now we are in union with each other again.

 My son Vernon had been to the meeting as well. Though this is only his second year at the prison–he runs the flag football program–he made a statement that was spot on. He talked about how the inmates will try to get one person against another, divide and create divisions. Vern warned that once that occurs, the sports programs are in jeopardy.

I am not perfect. Though I try to exercise the power and authority that has accrued to me over the years fairly, I will sometimes go too far. I know it when I am doing it.

The inmates are used to being abused, and I very much do not want to be abusive. It can happen all too easily and I have been guilty here. I become protective of what I have developed and struggled for. My rationale always is, “I am protecting the program.” A time or two I have lost my temper and yelled at a player, which will weight on my conscience for weeks or longer. Sometimes I will lay off my character defects on the stress and strain we are all experiencing in the prison. I am the anxious type anyway and being at SQ is not a relaxing, pleasant event. Most of the time I am wary of cons being run on either myself or someone else I am responsible for. Wish it were not so, but some of the convicts claims against me are legitimate. When I become aware of them I try to learn and change. Frankly, I am not so good at this. 

This may be my last year at the prison, I am not sure yet.  How long can I do it physically? My frustration flash point seems to be reached more quickly now. I do not want to abuse the inmates more than they already have been and that, for many, for all of their lives. Sympathy and empathy have their place in human relations certainly, and at the same time if taken too far these qualities can become problematic. Striking a balance requires wisdom born of experience.