Here is the chapter from Why I Decided Not to Kill Myself

Forgiveness: The Great Miracle

Recently I wrote a book about how I had made “shipwreck” of my faith and my life, and this based on something the Apostle Paul said in 1 Timothy 1:18–19.

I confess I have contemplated suicide from time to time, no attempts, but the thoughts brought on a depressed state of mind. And during the pandemic we learned about S.A.D., Seasonal Attitudinal Disorder. I had it, mostly all gone now as we are in the Spring of the year, but I did not hide it from others. The result was a number of these told me they felt the same way.

Once again, I have to admit that my two divorces yet haunt me; I was not the sole trouble, but enough to impact my life as I think back over those times. No question but that I was a “bad man. And those who knew me, even other ministers and pastors, some of these rejected me then and continue to do so to this day.

How I faced the really stupid and rebellious things I have done made all the difference. And this because I came to a greater understanding of the forgiveness I have in my Lord Jesus Christ, and the personal admission that I am a not as wonderful as I would like to be.

I have to explain a paradox here, and that due to two Greek words that are found in the New Testament, and both of these are translated by the word “time”. They are, Kairos and Chronos, that is using English equivalents for Greek words. Kairos is God’s time, Chronos is human time. 

And here is the saving grace: my sin, and all of it, past, present, and future, was placed upon Jesus on the cross. This is Kairos time, and it is in Kairos time where God is. Chronos time, ongoing, day by day, and is where I am and in which I sin.

Let me say it another way: my sin, even that yet in the future, was laid upon Jesus on that “Good Friday” so long ago. Yes, the sin of all those who trust in Jesus as their Savior and to whom the Holy Spirit reveals the truth and does the saving work, from the beginning of creation to the very end, the whole of that sin is covered in the shed blood of the Lamb of God.

Only the Creator God could do this, and of course we cannot grasp it all. Some argue that this point of Biblical theology gives us a excuse to continue to sin. Yet the paradox of time stands clearly in the Bible.

And I do not sin that grace might more abound, as the old saying goes. It is knowing that our sin is covered that inspires us to more closely follow Jesus and turn from sin. To live in this crazy world is often horrid, and there is great relief in knowing that my sin is covered, and I belong to Him, and forever.

This great miracle then gives us the courage to live on. This does not mean that I don’t get down from time to time, I do, but I remind myself of the salvation I have, and I have an inner strength, brought by the working of the Holy Spirit, that gives me the desire to keep on keeping on.

Forgiveness, oh yes, forgiveness.