Being Alone
Is it true that over one half the households in America are made up of singles?
Maybe true, but that many people live alone is a fact. And this seems to be trending upward. Why is this?
Older people’s spouses die is one reason. Many are waiting years longer than before, unlike my generation, to get married. The cost of being a family of more than one is costly and growing more so every day, especially in the large metropolitan areas like the San Francisco Bay Area. Many who would marry simply will not settle for less than a true love. Divorce is another reason.
Since 1986, at Miller Avenue Baptist Church where I am pastor, we have conducted a divorce recovery workshop. We do four eight week workshops every year. Thousands have been a part. We have found that, typically, women wait longer to remarry than men do. It is not unusual that many attendees of the workshop decide they would rather be alone than go through the agony of an unhealthy relationship.
Then many people would like to be with someone, but for many a complicated reason, it never happens.
Aloneness versus loneliness
In week five of our divorce recovery workshop we talk about the difference between aloneness and loneliness. The newly separated can easily experience loneliness, which is a painful emotional state of being. It can last for years, too. It can lead to depression, substance abuse, and other forms of destruction behavior. Our goal that fifth week is to help people move from a state of loneliness to aloneness.
Aloneness is the goal, but it can be elusive. One of the reasons for this is the ending of a relationship often cuts one off from others, and for a host of reasons. I have noticed it helps, and not a little, if a person is a Christian and has other believers to be engaged with.
Whether a person finds him or herself alone and lonely due to the ending of a relationship or for some other reason, deliberate steps must be taken to move from loneliness to aloneness.
Being alone is a growing choice for many
Once in a while, and I understand this circumstance is on the rise, for spiritual reasons men and women desire a life dedicated to contemplation, service to the poor, and other forms of sacrificial ministry. That studio apartment, single bedroom duplex, one room cottage, becomes a sacred space much like a convent or monastery. Indeed, we have a new breed of people amongst us who treasure being alone.
Some say God gives them a special grace gift to live alone, and be celibate. I think of St. Francis of Assisi for one, and there are many others whose names were never published who sought and highly valued the contemplative life.
Within the Roman Catholic Church and the Oriental and Eastern Orthodox churches have been many who have either lived alone or within a cloister of others who cherished being single. Yes, but also among Protestants, even Baptists like myself, many are finding a rich and rewarding life being alone.
Never really alone
The Christian is never alone, however, and in two ways not alone.
First, my mind goes to Matthew 28:19-20:
Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.
“With you always.” Is it not so that upon our conversion we are indwelt by the Holy Spirit? Yes, it is so, and this is why Jesus can say what He said. The Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Christ, the Spirit of Jesus (all synonyms)—with us, in us, and until the end of the age or our last moment on the planet.[1]
We actually cultivate a relationship with the Creator God. It is not too unlike the experience Adam and Eve had before the Fall. God walked and talked with them in the cool of the day. One has to be careful here as some contemplatives have gone a bit overboard. The main forms, in my estimation, for building a relationship with our Lord is through prayer, study of the Word, and reflecting upon the great truths of that Word.
Mystical we do nowt want, but rather down to earth, normal Christianity. None of the St. Theresa of Avila or St. John of the Cross or Richard Foster stuff. (Sorry if I offended some here, but I must sound this warning.) These dear ones moved from normal contemplative to spiritism and unbiblical mysticism.
Second, we are called to community. At once, we are placed by the Holy Spirit into the Body of Christ. We belong to Jesus and in two ways. We are His personally, but we are also placed into fellowship with other believers. The Church is not an afterthought on God’s agenda.
One of my definitions of a flesh and blood actual congregation is that it is a “mine field.” This is coming from a pastor of churches with over fifty years of experience. I say “mine field” because I have been blown up a few times and have contributed to others being blown up as well.
A congregation is a bunch of sinners in one place. This is dangerous. And if you were the enemy, and we do have an enemy, where would this enemy go to destroy his enemy? Right, you head for the nearest congregation and preferably one that is evangelical in nature. No since warring against those who are not a threat to you.
And I have seen it all. One time, in 1980, I packed my Bible up and vowed never attend a church again. Lasted for less than a month. I found I wanted to hear the message of Jesus preached and taught and in real time not just on the tube or over the radio.
“Iron Sharpening Iron” was a ministry I was involved with for thirteen years at San Quentin Prison in Marin County, California. The other name we had for it was, “Man to Man Ministry.” The whole thing was we, in our interaction with each other and with the convicts, “sharpen” our Christian lives. We wanted to hone the dull edges, apply the fire to harden the iron, and it was a rough work going cell to cell talking with guys whose lives were a complete disaster. We were tested more than the cons I can tell you. Much of the Christianizing I had been exposed to would not work there; I had to be real. This only happens in association with other Christians who are serious about following Jesus.
Another reason a real-life congregation is dangerous is that brothers and sisters in Christ will range wildly in their spiritual development.
Of course, there will be those who are not yet born again. I was a member of the First Baptist Church of Fairfield, California for nine months before I was actually born again. And I caused my share of trouble.
Then there were “new babes” in Christ who were still in their stinky diapers. Then the toddlers, the teens, the young bucks, and all the rest. I ended up in conflict with more than a few of these.
All the while, iron was sharpening iron, and this would have been impossible had I never darkened the door.
Alone and connected
Being alone does not mean completely alone. And it is in being alone that some of the strongest, most wonderful friendships are developed.
Again I draw on my experience as a pastor. In our small congregation there are several precious people who have deep and lasting friendships with others, which are just as family-like as could be. I have known a few folks who were more alone than others, but some of the best friendships I have ever seen with those who live alone.
If you are alone, and if you do not want to isolate, find a church to connect with. There is no such thing as a perfect church. After all, once you are a part of one, well there you go.
Being part of a church, an assembly of believers, a congregation of saints, is part of the normal Christian life. And it is a step toward health to be a part of one.
If at first you don’t succeed, keep looking and praying.
[1] In chapters 14, 15, and 16 of John’s Gospel we have the most beautiful account of the presence of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, the Paraclete, the Counselor presented by the beloved Apostle John. I suggest spending some precious hours reading and reflecting on these passages.