Pathways chapter #14: Tarot

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 After perusing numbers of books on Tarot, we settled on Tarot for Beginners, by Meg Hayertz, published by Althea Press in 2018. The following is a brief summary of Meg Hayertz’s book.

Ms. Hayertz received her first tarot card reading in Portland, Oregon, at a psychic fair at the age of 19. And due to some issues in her life, she found that the reading helped calm her, which then resulted in wanting more.

 Kent reports: I recall a similar kind of fair in Berkeley some years back and another one in San Francisco later on. Though a Christian at the time, I was stunned if not overwhelmed by the spiritual power I witnessed. If it had not been for my Christianity, I might well have been attracted to that which is psychic.

 Still in the introduction, Hayertz says it is not enough that the cards shine a light on what goes on in a person’s heart and mind; this must be put into action. “I suggest we use the 78 archetypes of the tarot to empower ourselves to become more loving and free” (p. IX). And to this end, she dedicates her book.

The origin of the word Tarot goes back to the mid-15th century. In various parts of Europe games such as Italian tarocchini, French tarot, and Austrian Königrufen were popular, and the general term tarot attached itself to what became the present-day tarot. 

Part 1: Tarot Then & Now

The origins of the tarot are murky, but they are cards, 78 of them, divided between Major and Minor Arcana. The Minor Arcana are much like the standard deck of 52 cards but instead of spades, clubs, hearts, and diamonds, there are cups, pentacles, swords, and wands, but with four additional cards. The Major Arcana contain 22 cards, four of which are The Empress, The Hermit, The Fool, and the Devil. Each of the cards have several meanings that can be attached to them depending upon the reader.

The author states that when Napoleon brought back artifacts from Egypt to Europe, there grew an interest in divination. In 1887, A. E. Waite, a member of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, developed occult symbolic systems around divination and astrology, which in time became related to the tarot. He then asked an artist, Pamela Colman Smith, to create a deck of tarot cards using symbols that were known at the time. This deck was published by William Rider & Sons, of London, in 1910. 

The author claims that reading tarot cards can reveal one’s potential future, and rightly evaluate one’s present circumstances, help with making decisions, help one to understand life, plus develop self-knowledge, intuition, and creativity. 

Tarot is a form of divination, a magical technique, not scientific, for gaining knowledge about the unknown and the future. And as a form of divination, it is condemned in Deuteronomy 18, verses 9–12: 

[9] “When you come into the land that the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not learn to follow the abominable practices of those nations. [10] There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer [11] or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, (ESV) 

Hayertz states that divination is a form of magic as well as most forms of meditation, “since a meditation practice can bring self-knowledge and spiritual knowledge from beyond our rational mind” (p. 7). She wants to dismiss the idea that there is a divide between the magical, or divine, and the ordinary, thus making tarot divination ordinary and common. 

In regard to the two major divisions of a tarot deck, the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana (Arcana means mystery), which come from Catholicism and Judaism, as well as Greek and Egyptian mythology, she notes the Major Arcana reflects Gnostic, Catholic, and Pagan imagery. There are also many spiritual traditions that have come to be associated with the cards, such as astrology, Kabbalah, numerology, and alchemy, as well as still more spiritual traditions that have found parallels and connections with the tarot, including crystal healing and Ayurveda (the traditional system of medicine in India) (p. 7). 

It is clear then that our author places tarot solidly amongst occultic practices.

Part 2 Tarot Mechanics 

Tarot card reading fits clearly into what is known in the occult world as divination. The cards are used to answer questions about the past, present, and future, and it is said that tarot is an opening into one’s spiritual self.

The first step for a person who wants to do tarot is to select a deck. Meg uses the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, otherwise known as RWS, but there are many others. And before making the first reading one must both purify and attune to the deck. Once readings begin, the deck must be cared for by keeping it clean and cleared of extraneous energy. 

Here in the process of purifying and attuning the deck reveals the occultic, New Age, divination, fortune telling nature of tarot. 

A deck can be purified by placing the deck on a “windowsill or outside during a full moon.” Or, one can bury the deck in salt for a few days, but in a plastic bag so that the salt does not touch the deck. 

Alternately, sage or a smudge stick can be burned while the deck is held in the smoke. Another way to purify the deck is to put the 78 cards in order, first the Fool (O) then on until the Word card (XXI), then observe through that suit all the way to the King of each suit. Once the deck is in order, it must be reshuffled. 

Attuning is the next step, and it means forming a connection with the deck—in other words, attuning to it. This means treating the deck with respect and trust. It takes a week to attune to the deck, gazing at the images on the cards to determine if there is any intuitive sensing—emotional, mental, or spiritual connections that come up. 

The deck must be cleansed regularly, as the deck can pick up unwanted energy from previous readings. There are two rituals that can be performed. One, shuffle the deck rhythmically and tap the deck on the table in order to release any extra energy. Two, fan the deck out in your hand, blow softly on the edges, and with the whole deck knock once on the top of the deck. 

It is this purifying and attuning process that brings the one selecting a tarot deck into a spiritual arena, and this is an evil arena. Indeed, this is the door opening to the demonic realm. This need not be a terrifying experience at all, but a change has occurred—a new and amazing ‘spiritual’ life and experience comes to life. And these supernatural experiences are real and not imagined. In fact, they can be quite exhilarating and captivating. 

There is a definite procedure to begin a reading; one needs to prepare a space and deck. Some tarot readers will create an altar where are placed the reader’s personal spiritual items. In any case, one needs to turn off phones, light a candle, play some music, and then invite the guidance of any higher power in. Be open then to any wisdom or insight that might be communicated in the reading of the cards. 

From six to ten minutes before beginning a reading for oneself, quietly focus the breathing and/or visualize a beam of light entering through the top of the head, which will fill the body with light. 

When one is in the right spiritual state of mind, one asks a question, but the tarot does not answer back with any direct answer. Instead, the reader, as he or she examines the cards, will relate ideas and events and reveal areas needing growth. The future is never spelled out in terms of certainty. 

On page 14 and 15, Meg Hayertz writes about Tarot Symbolism and states that symbols found on tarot cards come from a variety of sources. The version she is speaking to is the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, or RWS. 

The first is Christian mythology. Adam and Eve are depicted many times, and there is the Devil and the snake of Genesis chapter 3. There are images of a church, the pope, two monks, and more. 

The second is Egyptian mythology, or more accurately the European interpretation of Egyptian mythology. 

The third is source is from Kabbalah, a Judaist offshoot. 

Each sign of the zodiac is also found amongst the cards. 

Interpreting the cards takes practice, the author states. As we read through materials on tarot, it seems apparent that any counsel or direction from an intuitive framework could result in almost anything. (Toward the end of this chapter are some statements found on interpretation of the cards, mainly focused on intuition.) 

Our author claims there is both an intellectual and an intuitive side to determining what the cards are saying to the reader or to the one who is consulting the tarot reader. There is an opening of “your intuitive associations sparked by the cards.” Then, “note how your associations and intuitive messages match up with the meanings of the cards.” Third, note how the cards’ symbolism matches up with one’s experiences. Last, consider what actions one should then take. 

The author next moves on to which spiritual practices are connected with or are tied to tarot card reading. These are Astrology, Kabbalah, Numerology, Rosicrucianism, and Alchemy. (Our view is that there are many other spiritual/ occult practices that could be included here.) And each of these fit snuggly into and are recognized as occult practices. 

This association is an eye opener, as tarot is placed among very direct forms of the occult (pages 16 and 17). During long years of casting demons out of people, so many of them attracted demons into themselves by means of the occult. This is not child’s play nor adult play but is extremely serious. We are reminded of a most important verse at this point, 1 Peter 5:8, since this is what is going on in our world today with the wide open and public embracing of the occult arts, of which tarot is only one among many: 

Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 

In chapter 3 of part 1, the author begins to explain how one decides what the card spread means. One card, two cards, three cards, or more are pulled from the deck and spread out. Then the reader considers the meanings of the cards and how it all applies to him or herself, or to the one for whom the reading is being done. 

After examining this material, it is obvious to us that a reader could interpret the cards in many different ways. There is no concrete counsel, no clear solving of a dilemma, nor help with making a decision. It seems that a professional tarot card reader could bend the reading to just about anything, including flattering or messages that the “client” was clearly hoping for. There is obviously much room here for deception. 

Yet this is not the very worst outcome, which is giving oneself, however unwittingly, to an occult practice, which is animated and realized by demonic power. And the outcome of this is nothing less than judgment and an eternity in hell. Is it worth that? 

Chapter 4, part 1, is titled “Growing From the Tarot.” No comment is needed on part 2 of the book by Meg Hayertz, as it only presents each of the cards, the Major and Minor Arcana, and possible meanings for each. 

She begins this section by saying, “I use the cards to help my clients.” 

We completely believe her. Based on what we have encountered with psychics of many different persuasions, very few of them are aware of the evil nature of their work and do not care one way or the other. Either that, or they fear the loss of income, or are afraid of being tormented should they turn from their practices. 

Yes, Meg is probably sincere when she says for her clients that she wants to “unlock creative blocks, deepen their inspiration, and become more aware of issues and values that underlie their personal lives and creative work” (p. 62). 

To read tarot cards is simply to meditate on the cards “to see what feelings, associations, and narratives arise. Then, we match the experiences that arose during meditation to the definitions of the cards” (p. 63). 

Using only a broad-brush stroke to report on this process, it begins with “Connecting with our Intuition.” 

Intuition: this word can be so difficult to define, but after encountering it hundreds of times, it is apparent to us that it involves impressions that come to one while engaging in the process, and this process is usually meditation and focus of one’s breath or something else linked to gaining a state of so-called mindlessness. 

The term used here is “meditative inquiry into your inner life.” When this is achieved, then Meg says one is to “sit with what arises and open to it” (p. 64). Meg then concludes this part with, “This first step is noticing and illuminating our experience and connecting with our intuition.”  

We wonder, whatever in the world does that mean? 

The next step is to select a card or cards from the tarot deck, lay the card or cards down in front of you and meditate on these. One must look at the artwork, note the name of the card, like “The Emperor,” consider it’s also-known-as name, in this case the Grandfather, then note the keywords, in this case, Reliability, Fatherhood, and Responsibility, the element associated with it, here Fire, and astrological sign, here Aries, and then numerology, in this case 4. 

These clues or cues, which may be the right word here, are to be meditated upon. If there is more than one card spread out, then think about what might be at play between the cards. Then one can ask oneself questions such as, “Do the dynamics between the cards feel tense? Or, what are the relative ages of the figures in the cards? Or, are they facing each other? Or, what are the cards’ similarities and differences? 

The next major step is “Integrating intuition with conscious awareness.” Something is then stirring in one’s mind, and the goal here is coming to a place of understanding. And it is here when meditation is core so that the meaning of the cards comes into one’s awareness. 

We must say that the process described to grasp the message of the cards is very elusive, fanciful, lacking substance, and unrealistic. It could yield almost anything. 

Meg describes how it is that one integrates insight brought by the card reading into action. Mainly, this happens by reliance upon your intuitive sense. 

Finally, by means of meditation, envision yourself entering the card or spread. Ask a character therein, like The Emperor, if that is the card drawn for the deck, for guidance regarding action. Allow “the words or gift they offer you to intuitively come to you” (p. 68). If things are not clear, one should ask their intuition for assistance and illumination. 

Again, let the participant beware of invoking unintended spirits by “asking a character therein, like The Emperor, for guidance.” 

Closing thoughts 

Using words like intuition and meditation is deceitful. It should be evil spirit or demon instead of intuition. It should be connecting with the demonic rather than meditation. However lighthearted this tarot card reading business is presented, it is merely a cheap disguise for a course on how to become demon possessed. 

Excerpts from Wikipedia 

Intuition is the ability to acquire knowledge without recourse to conscious reasoning. Different fields use the word “intuition” in very different ways, including but not limited to: direct access to unconscious knowledge; unconscious cognition; inner sensing; inner insight to unconscious pattern-recognition; and the ability to understand something instinctively, without any need for conscious reasoning. July 9, 2022 

The word intuition comes from the Latin verb intueri, translated as “consider” or from the late middle English word intuit, “to contemplate.” July 2, 2022

Meghan Rose, a spiritual advisor and tarot reader, defines intuition as “the ability to understand something without rational or conscious reasoning.” So, in the context of tarot cards, the reader, who could be a professional or yourself if you’re reading your own cards, receives intuitive messages from the cards that they won’t be able to explain with logic. They just know. And because we all have intuitive superpowers, honing your intuitive tarot skills is totally possible with a bit of practice. 

The tarot (/ˈtæroʊ/, first known as trionfi and later as tarocchi or tarock) is a pack of playing cards, used from at least the mid-15th century in various parts of Europe to play games such as Italian tarocchini, French tarot and Austrian Königrufen, many of which are still played today. In the late 18th century, some tarot decks began to be used for divination via tarot card reading and cartomancy reading to custom decks developed for such occult purposes. 

Tarot card reading is a form of cartomancy whereby practitioners use tarot cards purportedly to gain insight into the past, present or future. They formulate a question, then draw cards to interpret them for this end. June 26, 2018 

Tarot cards are a form of divination, which literally means working with the divine, or your higher self, which is the ultimate purpose of tarot cards, just like yoga. June 26, 2018

Chapter three

Accepting Forgiveness

For whatever reasons, we humans are driven by our feelings. What does forgiveness feel like? is an issue that must be examined.

“I don’t feel forgiven” is something that runs through the minds of most of us. The consequences of dumb things we have done remain with us. I have in my memory bank images of things I have done that I am deeply ashamed of and try as I might, I cannot erase them. These have become part of who I am. And maybe, just maybe, that is a good thing.

Forgiveness—feeling or fact?

If I feel I am forgivendoes that mean I am forgiven?

If I don’t feel I am forgiven does that mean I am not forgiven?

What part do our emotions play in our Christian life? It seems, for many, emotions and feelings are akin to spiritual realities and affirm, or not, the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives. It seems to me that relying on our emotions and feelings opens the door to error and the possibility of being deceived. After all, where in the whole of the Bible do we find that our feelings have anything to do with spiritual realities?

If forgiveness is a feeling, then I cannot ever be sure I am forgiven. What a terrible place to find ourselves. Guilt can be unrelenting and tortuous; it can drive us mad. Since we know this cannot possibly be the will of our Father in heaven, then we must rethink our view of forgiveness.

Forgiveness, biblically speaking, is a fact and not a feeling. It is firmly based upon the work of Jesus Christ dying on the cross. He put away our sin, completely. The writer of Hebrews says, “He (Jesus) has appeared once for all at the end of the ages to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself” (Hebrews 9:26).

Jesus, dying and receiving all of our sin upon Himself, was buried and all our sin is buried with Him. Certainly, we will admit this great reality is beyond our ability to grasp. Yet the putting away of sin is central to all of Scripture from Genesis to Revelation.

The imagery of baptism

To be baptized is to be plunged or dunked or immersed. Biblical baptism, which is being plunged into or dunked or immersed in water, is the image of what happens to the Christian at the moment of conversion. Water baptism is not a magical ritual whereby sin is removed and cancelled, rather, it is a representation of a spiritual reality. Here is the person standing in a river, a lake, a stream, an ocean, a swimming pool, a baptistry in a church building, and this person is laid under the water, buried in the water, and raised up again.

   The point is that sin is buried; it is gone, it is washed away; it is all and completely forgiven. Upon this truth we make our stand.

The accuser

Christians have an enemy who accuses them that they are not Christians and safe in Christ. This threat is rendered impotent based on Revelation 12:10 and numbers of other passages: “Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God.”

To which accuser are we most vulnerable, ourselves or Satan? And the answer is both, and. No matter, the accusations come at us. For me, when I hear some people slam me for things that happened in the past, sometimes occurring decades ago, I do not think they are demonized. However, I do question that they know the power of the cross and the extreme love the Father has for His children

            Early on I would be devastated when the accusations would come. Now not so much though I may cringe a bit. Strangely, or maybe not so strangely, I am more sensitive to my sin now than ever before. Early on I even questioned my conversion, now though I know I have been born again and my sin is washed away and forgiven. This is where I will stand.

Acutely aware of sin

 Now a follower of Jesus for fifty-five years I still am a sinner. Remember, all our sin is forgiven, even those we have not committed, yet. Once again, we encounter an unresolvable paradox. Totally forgiven yet needing to confess our sin as such comes to our awareness is a paradox, two truths existing side by side but never join or resolved. Strangely, or maybe not so strangely, I am more sensitive to my sin now than ever before.

            I am not sure how to go about explaining this; it is something I experience. Little things that happen ever so innocuously, a slight, a boast, a slightly exaggerated statement, or leaving out matter that should have been stated, not spending enough time with someone, being in a hurry to do what I want to do, a judgmental look or thought, and the list could go on and on. I am busy sinning.

What will I do? In a kind of a prayer without kneeling, closing the eyes, or folding the hands, I say a little prayer in process, “Please forgive me Father, have mercy upon me.”

            In the parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Publican in the KJV) in Luke 19:9-14 is an ancient prayer, “God be merciful to me a sinner.” (verse 13) Our congregation at Miller Avenue prays an ancient version of it every Sunday. We have put it to music and sing it twice, just before we receive the Bread and the Cup. Our version is: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” This is, as far as I know, the oldest Christian prayer found outside the Bible itself.

            Jesus’ conclusion to the parable, and the primary point of the comparison is: “I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other.” (verse 14)

“Justified” is a perfect passive participle. The grammar Jesus used is so very important. Perfect tense means that an act has occurred which results go on forever. Passive voice means that the subject is acted upon, that is, the subject did absolutely nothing to earn any result.

            The tax collector, big sinner in everyone’s eyes for they were Jews who sold out to Rome and extorted money beyond the normal tax due and pocketed it. This traitor went home completely forgiven, though others might accuse him and the devil attempt to defeat him, regardless of the tax collector’s feelings, his sin was gone. And it was all an act of God.

Accepting forgiveness

By faith we accept the forgiveness we have in Christ. If forgiveness is something we can achieve on our own, then forgiveness is fleeting. I have to challenge myself to stand at the foot of the cross when I am tempted to accuse myself or accept accusations from our enemy and those who are under his sway. Despite my feelings, regardless of the unbiblical bits of data that flit through my brain, I know I am forgiven.

Standing firm on this reality keeps us healthy. It is biblical Christianity all the way.

   

Foreword

If you had lived two thousand years ago and had the

privilege to meet Jesus face to face, there are a couple

of words I doubt you would use to describe your

experience. Regardless of your theological perspective,

no matter what your spiritual or emotional state, you

would probably never say that Jesus was boring or

irrelevant.

Jesus challenged his friends and angered his foes.

He inspired, healed and loved the people around him,

like no one before or since. Yet many pastors who claim

to be followers of Jesus conduct meetings in his name

that are often boring and irrelevant. What is worse is

that some pastors live their lives without the health

and vitality that characterized the life of Jesus. This

should not be so.

I went to a friend’s wedding a while ago that

reminded me why I quit going to church for several

years as a teenager. The building was beautiful, but

the wedding itself started late and dragged on for an

hour. I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

Another wedding I attended more recently

brought laughter, tears and joy to everyone involved.

A religious service has great power to inspire us when

it is conducted in a relevant, personal way. The same

iv

For Pastors

can be said about the life of a minister. Some Christian

leaders live depressed and frustrated lives. They lack

the wisdom and power of the Holy Spirit. There is a

great need for those who lead God’s people to learn

the wisdom, which can enable them to be fruitful. This

book is filled with Kent Philpott’s practical insights

that helped me when I first met him almost thirty years

ago.

I was a confused twenty-year-old when I met

Kent in May of 1970. His living room in San Rafael,

California was crowded with young people singing

praises and studying the Bible. The “Jesus Movement”

was just starting in Northern California and Kent was

in the center of it.

Kent had opened up his home for Bible studies

and evangelism around the clock. We were drawn

together by curiosity, adventure and the Spirit of God.

Kent had gone to seminary where he had become

grounded in the truth that a whole new generation was

hungry to learn. He led meetings with a guitar in his

hands and preached in a language we could relate to.

Through relevant Bible teaching and counseling

with prayer, Kent helped hundreds of young people

enter the Kingdom of God. He steered us away from

the cults and talked us through our trials.

As the ministry grew, we started numerous Bible

studies, discipleship houses and Christian bookstores.

In 1972, we started a church. By 1976 we had four

churches. These churches grew and began their own

mission outreaches. During those years we went

through numerous struggles and trials. We saw leaders

rise and fall. We made mistakes and learned many

lessons the hard way.

Much of the fruit of those years remains, not in

any one church or organization, but in hundreds of

v

people, now middle aged, who are faithfully serving

the Lord around the country.

As my pastor and friend, Kent helped me to grow

and mature. He gave me training and opportunities,

which prepared me for a lifetime of ministry. Kent

understands the practical steps pastors and ministers

need to take to build a fruitful ministry. His wisdom

and counsel in this book will be a treasure for everyone

who seeks to influence people the way Jesus did.

Mark Buckley, pastor

Living Streams Christian Church,

Phoenix, Arizona

Chapter Two

Confession is Good for You

Christians do not have to pretend they do the right thing all the time. Perfect we are not. Neither do we have a ‘license’ to sin, as some accuse us. Our desire is to be careful followers of Jesus. Before going any further, it is important to consider a very interesting paradox we find in Scripture.

The paradox involving confession

A paradox is two truths that run parallel to each other like the rails of a railroad track. They are laid right next to each other but never intersect. This is a pretty fair definition of a paradox. And confession definitely involves a paradox.

One rail of the tract is the fact that all of our sin has been placed on Jesus when He died on the cross. Our sin was then buried, or put away, with Jesus in His tomb; and it is utterly and completely gone. And that is all of our sin, past, present, and future. Yes, all of our sinning, past, present, and future is already covered by the blood of Jesus.

            The second rail is that we are to continue to confess our sin despite the fact all of the sin has been forgiven. Paradox?

This is where personal and ongoing confession comes in. Let us examine a key passage of Scripture, that of 1 John 1:8-2:2.

First, 1 John 1:8-10:

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

The “ifs” in bold (my work) above are in Greek grammar what are called “future more probable” conditional clauses. So then, it is possible that a Christian may say they have no sin and if they do, it is big mistake. Such denial means we have to carry guilt around, and doing so eventually damages us both spiritually and emotionally. Over time, guilt multiples, self-condemnation sets in, and relationships are undermined

            We see the paradox then: We are forgiven yet still need to confess our sin—both at the same time.

            Later on, John writes, “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). Out of God’s love for us, He does not want us to carry around the weight of unforgiven sin. This is why confession is good for us. Our ongoing sin is not to be ignored, it is to be confessed. And not just simply, “Lord, forgive me, a sinner” but to name them one by one, the circumstances, instances, maybe down to the details.

Confession, one to another

James, the half-brother of Jesus and first pastor of the Jerusalem Church, wrote, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). This opens up something different from the foregoing. Now confession is made directly to others, even to those, especially to those we have sinned against. Instead of settling for broken relationships, the attempt is made to heal breaches as they develop, and we all know, they develop.

            Caution is advised when it comes to confessing sins one to another. The gifts of wisdom and humility vital here. We are careful not to accuse, blame, or gossip in making confession. In addition, over sensitivity must be avoided, but healthy relationships, especially within the family and the church, are critical.

The great Judge is merciful

Christians do not have to hide from God, nor anyone else for that matter. Even if one commits a really big sin, still there is forgiveness. This is a lesson I learned from talking with convicts at San Quentin Prison over thirty-two years as a volunteer there. Murder, rape, and other such, are no bar from total and complete forgiveness though it may take a long while for the freedom of forgiveness sets in. Our Father God never stops loving us and, of course, we cannot fully grasp this, we can only struggle to believe and accept it this enormous truth. Indeed, others will remember our sin, even accuse and blame us and far into the future, but not the Judge of all. He actually forgets our sin.

            One of the enduring images I have carried with me over the decades is that I am standing before God at the Day of Judgment, but He does not see me since Jesus is standing right in front of me. The Judge only sees Jesus His beloved Son. I am completely hidden in Christ.

Knowing this solid biblical truth, I have confidence to live my life freely and without the burden of guilt and shame. I have done some pretty ugly things, stuff others will still bring up, for whatever reasons, but I know I am covered in the shed blood of Jesus. And this is not a psychological invention of mine, it is a truth straight from the Word of God.

Second now, 1 John 2:1:

“My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.”

            Notice the “if” again. It is that same construction, a third-class conditional clause as before. John means that we will likely sin, and if and when, we have the best lawyer there is to argue our case, which always results in complete acquittal. Jesus is our advocate, our counselor, our attorney.

            As we mature in our Christian lives this truth becomes very precious to us. We go through difficult times, sometimes lasting over considerable periods of time. For whatever reasons, we do some really dumb things, so much so that we are tempted to think our heavenly Father is angry at us and rejects us. NO, and NO, and NO. Wrong thinking. This is the way of a fallen world, but we are not of the world any longer. We will not let anything, or anyone separate us from the love of Christ. Here is how Paul put it in Romans 8:38-39:

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, not things present not things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What does this all mean? One thing is clear: we do not fear to confess our sin to God. He is the ultimate Father.

            I have five children and I would not ever want to add to their burden if they should do something egregious. Not at all, my desire would be to make whole again and this is our Father who is in heaven desire.

A final word of encouragement

Confession is good for us. No matter how often, and it is of course, daily, we have full access to the throne of grace. That sin, and every one, Jesus took upon Himself, is gone forever already and the delight of the Father is to remind us of that very fact.

Foreword

I have served as pastor of a small church for over

twenty-one years. My congregation is still among those

churches with an active membership barely above one

hundred. If you are a pastor of a church with less than

150 active and tithing members, this book will teach

you more than you will ever learn in a traditional

seminary.

I earned three Masters degrees and one Doctorate

from a well-known and fully accredited seminary. I was

well schooled in the principles of Biblical

interpretation; I learned Greek and Hebrew from some

of the best teachers. I studied church history and

systematic theology. The one thing I was not prepared

for was ministry in a small church. Since most churches

are small churches, you would think that the average

seminary would do a good job preparing its students

for ministry in the small congregation. However, many

theological institutions will not prepare you for what

you will face in a small church.

This book will do more for the average pastor of a

small congregation than years of training in a traditional

school. The book is very practical. Kent should have

written this book twenty years ago. It would have saved

me countless sleepless nights. Some of the ideas are

ii

For Pastors

radical but solidly biblical and theologically sound. The

most important thing about this book is that it is very

practical. It is written in the format of “books for

dummies.” The wisdom shared by Philpott is priceless.

The book is full of practical ideas gained by the

author’s own experience as pastor of a small church.

Of all the books I have read on the small church, this

is the only book written specifically for the pastor of a

small congregation. Whether you are seminary trained

or not, I highly recommend this book as a “must” for

your personal library.

Emmanuel Akognon

President and Academic Dean

Southern Marin Bible Institute

Marin City, California

Chapter One

Love God and Love Your Neighbor

When Jesus was asked which was the great commandment in the Law He replied:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 22:37-40)

In the Lord’s prayer, Matthew 6:9, is the phrase “hallowed be your name.” Obeying the command to love God with all of us and honoring God above all else is healthy because it keeps us from idol worship, and we can make an idol out of almost anything or anyone. And no idol can love us, guide us, save us, or be in fellowship with us. Idol worship leads to despair.

Then there is the golden rule: “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets”[1] (Matthew 7:12).

“Love” for God is to be whole hearted in our love of God, with no worship of or devotion for any other gods or goddesses. “Love” for the neighbor is to seek the best for those whom one might encounter, not merely the folks next door. This “rule” is helpful since we generally know how we would like to be treated.

The Parable of the Good Samaritan illustrates the point. Jesus tells the story of a Jewish man who is waylaid by robbers and beaten almost to death. A Samaritan finds the Jewish man, and the Samaritans and Jews detested one another, yet at considerable time and expense, the Samaritan made sure the traumatized man received help. (see Luke 10:25-37)

How is this healthy?

A focus on ourselves is common to us all, and necessarily so. We must see to our well-being and develop hope for the future. Here now Jesus makes it clear that we are to “love” ourselves. This does not have to be a “me first” mentality at all, but it a reasonable, and healthy injunction to care for ourselves.

It is not healthy to think we are bad people, and most of us do think such from time to time. When we get stuck there, however, and denigrate ourselves for whatever reasons, we want to see that this is not as it should be. It may mean we may be suffering from something else, something that needs attention and even with the help of mental health professionals.

Yes, we may come to the end of ourselves and turn to outside stimulation? Sometimes quickly. What with street drugs, sexual excess, frantic and risky behavior, our lives spiral downward. Trouble builds and, in every way, —mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

We live in a world filled with high stress and anxiety; our world is complex and scary. Wars and rumors of war, nation against nation, trouble everywhere is now the norm. Have humans evolved to the point where we can cope with the stress factors that swirl about us? Not yet, and maybe never.

            When our thoughts are constantly inward, anxiety only grows. And we soon discover there is little, if any, hope for the future. However, ‘deep’ we attempt to go into our inner being, we will be disappointed when we find only emptiness or frightening images.

Too often we go looking for love in all the wrong places and only find love that is fleeting and maybe not love at all. Loneliness grows, and hope recedes. Some cope, others do not. Some want to end it all; others lose contact with reality and experience psychotic states; this is real for many people.

            Again, it is not wrong to be concerned about ourselves, yet we are to love God with all of who we are. The focus shifts, not away from ourselves, but upward toward the God who created us and loves us. Almost preposterous that the Triune God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit should love us, we who have rebelled against Him, but He does. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). And if that is not enough there is this wonderful verse: “In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10).

            “Propitiation” is a big word and means that Jesus, the son, took all our sin, transgressions, rebellious ways, wrong doing, etc., upon Himself when He died on the cross. Of course, this does not make that much sense to us, yet it is, nevertheless, the truth of it.

            “Love” in the passages above, both John 3:16 and 1 John 4:10 is, is transliterated agape. It means that God loves us much and wants the very best for us, which is eternal fellowship with Him in heaven. Jesus literally died in our place. Only God could make this preposterous and absurd sacrifice, at least from our perspective, and all because of His love for us.

            Sin is not good for us. Not only does it wreak havoc in our lives, it separates us from God and forever. Yes, forever, and yes, I mean hell. Now hell is where God is not. And God being holy, meaning sin cannot ever come before Him, means that if we die unforgiven, we cannot be in His presence, ever.

            We have to admit no one knows why the Creator God has allowed all this to happen. What we do know is that it has happened, but that this same God has done something about it. This is the story of Jesus.

            From our limited perspective we get lost in trying to figure it all out. This is why we have the Bible, the written Word of God that reveals the Living Word of God, Jesus the Messiah. He died in our place because of love, real love, a love that does not go away.

Never alone

Biblical Christianity is healthy because it brings love to us. Jesus never leaves us, He continues to love us despite ourselves. This is what JOY is all about. Joy is not jumping around waving our arms in the air and shouting halleluiah, though some will do this, no this joy is the recognition that we are loved with a love that will never fail. We have a Savior who will never turn away, never abandon us, despite how weird and strange we may be at times. Indeed, He wants us to be with Him and forever. Jesus put it this way:

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

(John 14:1-3)

Meaning and purpose

There is another reason why biblical Christianity is healthy. Every Christian not only has meaning in his or her life, but we have been assigned a job to do, one that no one retires from. This is the commission Jesus gave us just before He ascended back to heaven.[2] Here it is, Matthew 28:19-20:

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.

It cannot get any better than this. Let me make it plain, it is not an easy road to travel and is the road less travelled, but there is no better way. It never gets boring, we are never alone, the adventure never dies down, and there is no retirement age.

            Hope does not fade either. Bible hope is not a wish, it is a sure thing. I do not have the words to express what I mean here. The common understanding of the word hope does not begin to define the biblical meaning of the term. My hope is in Jesus Christ and what He has already done for me. It is a done deal. As Jesus said while hanging of the cross, “It is finished.” Nothing can change that, not even stupid and sinful things that I do. No, I do not have a ‘license’ to sin, but an hour hardly goes by that I do not sine in some manner or other. After all, we are to love God with all be are and have and also to love our neighbor as ourselves. Who can say they meet this challenge? My hope, my assurance has nothing to do with my spirituality, it is all about Jesus. And Jesus never fails. Here is what He said: “The thief (meaning Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep” (John 10:10-11).

Love, forgiveness, assurance, the inner working of the Holy Spirit—this is our prescription for health.[3]


[1] “Law and the Prophets” is a common Jewish expression for all of the Hebrew Bible, or Old Testament.

[2] Heaven is the dwelling place of God. It is not in the physical universe, in fact, we know little about it but one day we will know all about it.

[3] In John 8:44 are these words of Jesus about Satan: “He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character for he is a liar and he father of lies.”

Contents

Here is the Table of Contents for my book, For Pastors of Small Churches, written about 20 years ago.

Foreword …………………………………………………………….. i

Foreword …………………………………………………………… iii

Foreword ………………………………………………………….. vii

Preface ………………………………………………………………. xi

1. On Preaching the Gospel ………………………………… 1

2. The Call to Pastoral Ministry ……………………………. 8

3. Examine Yourself ………………………………………….. 15

4. Pastoring To Preach ………………………………………. 19

5. Preparation for the Pastoral Ministry ………………. 23

6. The Devotional Life …………………………………….. 29

7. The Center of Our Ministry—Abiding in Jesus . 33

8. Remember, We Have a Fallen Nature……………. 36

9. On Learning to Preach ………………………………….. 41

10. Finding Sermon Topics ………………………………… 52

For Pastors

11. On Teaching the Bible …………………………………. 58

12. Discussion of the Sermon …………………………….. 64

13. Listening to Criticism …………………………………… 66

14. Public Ministry—Is it a Performance? ……………. 71

15. Keeping Strong and Healthy ………………………… 75

16. Early to Bed, Early to Rise… ……………………….. 79

17. The Pastor’s Work Schedule…………………………. 81

18. Personal Finances and Life-style ………………….. 85

19. Deciding What Ministry to Engage In …………… 90

20. Church Structure …………………………………………. 96

21. The Worship Service ………………………………….. 100

22. The Prayer Meeting …………………………………… 108

23. The Bible Study ………………………………………… 112

24. Avoid Political and Social Controversies ………. 116

25. Avoid “Movements” Within Christianity ……… 120

26. Avoid Fund-raisers …………………………………….. 123

27. Limit Promotions ……………………………………….. 128

28. What Title to Use ………………………………………. 132

29. On Being a Counselor ………………………………… 135

30. On Helping Others …………………………………….. 139

31. Recognition and Rewards …………………………… 144

32. Coping with Failure …………………………………… 148

Table of Contents

33. Having A Trade …………………………………………. 153

34. Own a Pickup Truck! …………………………………. 156

35. Weddings and Funerals ……………………………… 159

36. Do Not Ask ……………………………………………….. 163

37. Our Need for a Confessor or Mentor …………… 168

38. Thoughts on Retirement ……………………………. 171

39. Pastoring the Small Church ………………………… 174

40. Pastoring the Large Church ……………………….. 179

41. On Being an Associate ……………………………….. 182

42. Love Your Spouse ……………………………………… 187

43. Spend Time with Your Children …………………. 190

44. Dragons in the Church……………………………….. 193

45. Know and Face Your Limitations ………………… 198

46. Angry Pastors …………………………………………….. 201

47. Theological Models ……………………………………. 209

48. Church Discipline ……………………………………… 215

49. On Being Politically Correct ……………………….. 222

50. Avoiding Magical Thinking ………………………… 226

51. A Sermon to Have Ready to Preach ……………. 230

52. The Pastor as A Suffering Servant ………………. 237

53. The Parsonage …………………………………………… 240

54. Pride: An Enemy of our Ministry ………………… 243

For Pastors

55. The Filing System ……………………………………… 247

56. Refuse to Be Intimidated …………………………… 250

57. One Last Word on Preaching ……………………… 255

Appendix ……………………………………………………….. 257

Postscript ………………………………………………………… 259

Preface to Spiritual Health

Looking back on the five decades I have been in Christian ministry, most of it as a pastor of congregations, I have noticed that faithful Christians, those who trust in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord and who value the revealed Word of God, the Bible, tend to live well.

            There are exceptions, of course, —disease and death coming upon the most faithful—which even tempt us to question the goodness of God.

I have had my share of deeply troubling life events. Then I have regrets over the consequences of my own sinful behavior. Still today, when I allow myself to dwell on the pain and suffering I have caused others, I will become saddened, even depressed.  Then the natural aging process; indeed, my body is wearing out, I have lost some mental acuity, and many things I thought nothing of accomplishing, now are beyond my ability.

            Certainly, LIFE happens to us all. Misfortunes are not the result of any kind of punishment from God, but this side of heaven, things happen. This is made clear from the accounts of what happened to Jesus, Paul, and all the rest of those who appear in Scripture. Down through the history of the Church, with its persecutions, we see Christians suffering.

            It is in the sufferings, whether light or serious, that the hope a Christian has in this life and the next that makes the difference. We all experience what it is to live in a “fallen world” as we journey on to being forever in the presence of God in heaven. This “pilgrim’s progress” is indeed progress.

I am now 76 years old and by the time this ‘Little Book’ is published, I might be 77. Despite the above, especially due to my pastoring hundreds over the decades, I can say, and without exaggeration, that biblical Christianity is healthy.

            As you read through my reasons for saying so, you may come across a topic I missed, which might possibly result in a new chapter for a new edition.

Email me at: kentphilpott@comcast.net.

May 27, 2012

Dear Don,

Without your support I would have left the baseball program at San Quentin years ago. Now in, what would have been my 17th season, I must resign from the program. And without you there would not have been the incredibly great sports programs enjoyed at the prison. Thank you for all you have done.

            Let me express why I am leaving. One, in 2010 we decided, at the close of that season, to add one team–the A’s. After contacting the Oakland A’s they supplied us with uniforms and we were off and running. I invited a particular coach to manage the A’s, but he consistently, and again this 2012 season, essentially turned it over to a convict to run. Yes, two other coaches that I brought into work with the A’s in 2011 ran into some significant trouble, resulting in a player being transferred to another institution, but that 2011 season, due to the problem coaches and the inattention of the manager of the A’s, resulted in a miserable season for all concerned. The rivalry and tension was suffocating at times, and few felt good about the season.

            I was forced out the prison in late July of 2011 due to threats made on me. The most interesting accusation against me was “reverse” racism due to the fact that a high percentage of the Giants were black; the “white boys” on the A’s did not appreciate this.

            In a meeting with the CDW, Chief Deputy Warden, sometime later where I was assured that the problem was taken care of, but it was not. it got worse.

            Also, for 2012, we made format changes designed to correct the problems from the previous season, but as it turned out, that plan failed. Then more threats were made against me and one other coach, meetings were held in the CDW’s office, where I had to endure what could only be described as a “thug/bully” talking to, without even one sentence spoken by me or a moment when I was given a chance to speak. This occurred not once but three times, each of which you were present for.  After the Investigative Unit finished their report, I was removed from the prison along with the two problem A’s coaches. At no time, despite my thirty years of volunteer work at the prison, was I ever personally interviewed, except for a brief telephone conversation. I have never had a chance to even ask what it was that I was being punished for.

            At a meeting with the chief people running the two baseball teams on May 25, I was pressured into allowing certain problem people, three of whom had been involved with the problem mentioned above, to remain in the baseball program. (At least one of these should have been transferred to another prison.) And then, on Saturday, May 26, when the names of those selected for the A’s and the Giant’s was read off, the problem coach for the  A’s handed the job of running the team to the convict who was behind so much of the mischief.

            This last reason was enough for me. The program was not safe for anyone; the convicts were running the A’s team once again.

Then, on May 27 then I received a letter of resignation from the one coach without whom the program could not go on, the co-manager of the Giants, my good friend, who, citing safety concerns, decided enough was enough.

            Here is the bottom line on this sad affair: The CDW so managed the situation that the baseball program was made unsafe. Don, you did your best to dissuade him, but due to his “thug/bully” means of dealing with prison staff and volunteers, there was little you could do.

            Below is a copy of the email I sent out to the managers of the teams so far scheduled to come into the prison in 2012. It was my duty to let them know this. There were virtually no coaches left to run two teams, two practices a week and two games against outside teams per week. There was no other choice.

 Hello Everyone,

A sad time for me, and for you and your players: there will be no season at the prison this year. I am hoping that, after the dust settles, that we will have a 2013 season. Let me tell you, in a greatly abbreviated form however, what brought us to this point.

One, considerable trouble among our coaches (How’s that for brief?)

Two, utterly unsafe conditions. Some months ago, West Block went general population, that is, mainline prisoners, 800 plus of them, occupied the block. Due to budget concerns, these Level 3 convicts, by the stroke of an administration pen, became Level 2. This meant they were all eligible to come down on the yard and participate in the sports programs. My first sight of them was when I went with my son Vernon, who runs the flag football program, to observe two games. One look and I could see that everything had changed. Young, aggressive, three race groups, white (looked like the Hell’s Angel’s rejects due to being too rowdy), blacks, and Hispanics, all ganged up and looking to figure out who was going to call the shots, deal the dope, and control some rather unsavory realities of prison life.

I cannot, after what has happened in the last few days, justify inviting anyone into the prison right now. There will be those who will disagree with me, but I have to act according to my conscience. I have done the inviting and the scheduling, so the burden is on me. I am aware that there would be those who would push for the season to move along anyway, but it is my view that this is not only impossible but dangerous. The final decision was made clear to me this morning when I got a letter of resignation from the coach I have been working with for years, we actually have coached the Giants together for the last two years, and he cited safety concerns.

So there we are. Perhaps there will be a 2013 season, but things have to shake out so we can see what kind of adjustments are made. Word I have it is that it takes a year or so before the hierarchy is established and the pecking order made plain.

Thank you for being willing to come in and play our guys.

Kent Philpott

Don, I am sorry it came to this. You did you best and none of this is any fault of your own. When the program came under the purview of the CDW, for whatever reasons, he micro-managed it to its demise. All the promises he made to make things safe on the lower yard not only did not work but made things worse. Now my son to a lesser degree, but myself for sure, have to be concerned about what it might mean to have a prison gang thinking who knows what.

On my wall are a couple photos of you and I on the yard at opening days. I will not forget you. Thank you for all you did.

Kent Philpott

Hello, here is the end piece about Baptists, and this one with the impact of the Puritans on Christianity in England. Dr. Haykin wrote a brief piece on the connection between the Puritans and the Baptists in England. It is not wrong to state that the early church, prior to the early 300s AD, could be identified with baptist views. I am not stating that the Baptists are the best, only correct ones Biblically, I mean no one is perfect or right-on, but us Baptists do attempt to stick to the New Testament configurations of what the early Christians looked like and believed. Kent 

P.S. not sure what will be coming next on Wednesdays. Kent

Article by              Michael A.G. Haykin         Professor, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary

Baptists were birthed in the matrix of Puritanism, that sixteenth- and seventeenth-century movement of reform and renewal. The genesis of Puritanism between the 1560s and the 1580s was deeply intertwined with questions of worship and polity. In fact, Puritanism, in its various ecclesial manifestations, was confident that there was a blueprint for polity and worship in the New Testament. As we will see, these concerns were bequeathed to their Baptist offspring.

‘Apostolic Primitive Purity’

Baptists began their existence in the first half of the seventeenth century — the General (Arminian) Baptists emerging in the 1610s and the Particular (Calvinistic) Baptists appearing some 25 years later — with a passion for going back to the apostolic model that they believed was taught in the Scriptures.

One of the major architects of the Particular Baptist cause, William Kiffen (1616–1701), explained in 1681 why he became a Baptist in the late 1630s/early 1640s:

[I] concluded that the safest way [for me spiritually] was to follow the footsteps of the flock (namely that order laid down by Christ and his Apostles, and practiced by the primitive Christians in their times) which I found to be that after conversion they were baptized, added to the church, and continued in the apostles’ doctrine, fellowship, breaking of bread, and prayer; according to which I thought myself bound to be conformable.1

In other words, Kiffen became a Baptist because he was convinced that believer’s baptism and congregational church governance were indisputably part of the blueprint of New Testament polity.

Ten years later, Hercules Collins (d. 1702), a key Baptist leader in London, made the exact same point in a polemical piece on baptism when he stated that his intent was “to display this sacrament in its Apostolic primitive purity, free from the adulterations of men.”2 In fact, he asserted, it would violate his conscience were he to baptize an infant.3

The Believer’s ‘Great Pattern’

Given the uniqueness of believer’s baptism on the ecclesial scene of Stuart England — of the various church groups, only the Baptists restricted baptism to believers — it is not surprising that they had to defend the biblical legitimacy of their position time and again in this era. One scholar reckons the number of tracts and treatises written on this subject during the seventeenth century to be more than a hundred.4

“In being baptized as believers, Christians are following the example of Christ, their ‘great pattern.’”

One of the most popular of these tracts was John Norcott’s (d. 1676) Baptism Discovered Plainly & Faithfully, According to the Word of God (1672). In the relatively small compass of 56 pages, Norcott’s tract sets forth the standard seventeenth-century Baptist positions on the proper subjects of baptism (believers), the correct mode (immersion), and the meaning of baptism (primarily identification with Christ in his death, burial, and resurrection).5 Among his arguments in favor of believer’s baptism is his emphasis that in being baptized as believers, Christians are following the example of Christ, their “great pattern.” 

Going Yard

Doug MacKenzie

“When we go into the prison, you’ll definitely feel some anxiety.”  The prophecy came from Bob, our manager for the doubleheader against the San Quentin inmate baseball team, when I’d first contacted him two months prior to joining his squad.

I knew he was right.  But I decided to get an early start and let the anxiety build as soon as I committed to play.

Two months is a long time to let my imagination work.  Much too long.

As expected, visions of being cornered in the yard after getting separated from the group worked their way into my head.  Of somehow ticking-off the wrong guy on the opposing team.  Of ending up on the wrong end of the shiv that the first baseman snuck into the game. 

One link bound them all—I returned home maimed or worse in each one.

I’d heard the warnings.  Once we hit the yard, we’d be subjected to a wave of trash talk and thrown expletives.  I didn’t even know the proper prison protocol for a visitor.  Smack talk back?  It might get me some respect.  Or it might lead directly to one of those visions.

But another part of me longed for the experience.  The part that doesn’t miss a prison exposé on cable.  The part that wants to hear that iron gate close behind me.  To feel the starkness of the yard.  To see if the walls really do close in.   To be in the world of some guy who chopped his best friend into 107 pieces and then buried him in 107 different places.

I wanted to experience that world—live it—for just for a little while.  And I love baseball.  What better way to accomplish it than combine the two?

My M.O. isn’t hard to predict.  I knew the anxiety would peak the night before the game.  It’d be hard to sleep.  Probably wouldn’t have any appetite in the morning. 

Then I got a lucky break. 

Justin, from my amateur team back home, had signed up to play as well. 

A few years transplanted from Australia, Justin’s a natural athlete.  He picked up baseball as easy as my dog picked up begging at the table.  It’s impossible to get a low-pitch by him.  Must be from all those years of cricket.

Far more important for this adventure, he’s about as easygoing a guy as you can find.  It’s tough to get him upset.  I’ve tried.  Everyone on my team has tried.

We chatted in the hotel about what the next day might bring and it turned out he’d visited a maximum-security prison in Australia for a college thesis.  The whole thing was no big deal.  I half-expected him to fall asleep in the hotel patio as he described it.

Perfect.  I was with a vet.  My nerves could relax.

That’s when he mentioned that they’d probably make us sign a “no negotiations” waiver in case we were taken hostage.

Hostage?  It turned out there was one scenario I’d neglected to worry about.  Still, I managed to remain calm.

Then I met Kent.

Kent wasn’t one of the prisoners—he was their coach.  That’s on the inside.  On the outside, Kent’s a pastor.  We met him in a weary parking lot outside the gates at 8:30 in the morning where he gave us a quick talk about what to expect.  Kent’s another easygoing guy—especially for someone about to walk us into a maximum-security prison. 

It’s what he said that got the nerves working again.

San Quentin’s the only prison in the United States that has a baseball team for its inmates.  In fact, the program is so popular it’s now home to two teams, the Giants and the Pirates.  Usually comprised of players from adult amateur leagues, outside teams (known as “The Willing”) routinely play a doubleheader at “the Q”—one game against the Giants and one against the Pirates.

Today we’d take on the San Quentin Giants in both games. 

The Pirates weren’t too happy about this. 

Kent said he wasn’t sure what to expect.  There’d been a lot of unrest at the prison lately.  Overcrowding at Corcoran and Pelican Bay had forced the state to send much of the hard-core overflow here.  New, young guys had arrived.  Lifers who had nothing to lose. 

Things weren’t the same.

Maybe Kent noticed the widened eyes because he told us not to worry.  Nothing would ever happen to a visitor—every prison program in the state would end in a flash. 

Kent finished with an admonition:  if any of the players from the other team approached us during the game wanting personal information, don’t give it to them. 

Approached us?  From the unhappy team?  I thought these were the guys that had nothing to lose.

My carefully administered self-hypnosis—two months in the making—of why I would survive this impending experience shattered.  I’d already convinced myself we’d be hermitically sealed with at least three fences and a wall of armed guards partitioning us from anyone that wasn’t in the game.

I looked at the veterans of our team—none of whom I’d ever met—to reassure myself, to see the calm look on their faces.  Once I saw that “look”—the one people have when they’ve heard the whole speech before and are bored stiff—I’d be fine.

Instead apprehensive stares filled the audience.  My eyes darted to Justin, my last hope.  Even he looked slightly concerned.  With Justin, that’s the equivalent of a panic attack.

The information processing in my head began to blur.  New, hard-core guys.  Nothing to lose.  Trouble.  Waivers if I’m taken hostage. 

Maybe my friends are right.  Maybe I am a masochist.  It’s a death wish or something.  Psychologists would have a field day with me. 

One of the new guys broke in, “Just how good a shot are the guards in the tower?”  At least someone else was thinking along the same lines as me.

We showed our I.D.s at an outer gate and made the long walk to the prison walls.  To our right sat a row of quaint administration buildings.  To our left, the rippling currents of the bay reached out forever as if no prison existed.  But I took little notice on the gorgeous Saturday morning.  Instead a question revolved in my head that my brain couldn’t solve… “If the new guys in here have nothing to lose, why would they care if the programs shut down because they did something to a visitor?”

If you’ve watched any prison documentaries on TV, you know what I expected.  I expected the gate to clank behind us and then to be surrounded by my new world, a bleak world of rusted metal and chipped paint, curses shouted at me by every person in view.  Undecipherable screams would evaporate into the bay breeze from wherever they kept the people that had gone nuts… or had completely given up hope. 

That’s what I expected for a prison built in 1852. 

My first view gave me exactly the opposite.

A neatly tended courtyard greeted us when we exited the Sallyport (the controlled area between two metal gates), complete with lawn and roses.  On the far end, a massive state-of-the-art medical facility dominated the other buildings in the area.

Heading toward the 5-story building, I felt faces peering from barred windows in the archaic building to our left.  That building, the kind I’d expected to see, turned out to be the Adjustment Center, a housing unit for the most dangerous inmates on Death Row.

After crossing the courtyard, a long asphalt driveway led us between the new complex now to our left and the ancient wall that separated us from the free world on the right.

The San Quentin yard opened up.

The field wasn’t hard to spot—it was the only grass area in an expanse of asphalt, walls and fences.  Like a grammar school playground at lunchtime, a flurry of activity surrounded the diamond and filled the yard.  Men jockeyed for position as a shot went up on the basketball court.  Tennis balls volleyed.  And countless guys in dark blue sweats or shorts with light blue shirts just hung around. 

But as opposed to my elementary school, a chain link fence didn’t surround this yard.  Razor wire saturated these surroundings, everywhere, blocking anything anyone could ever think of climbing, crawling or hopping over. 

A four-foot space between two chain link fences would serve as our dugout.  Inside the partition, it took me a few minutes to realize that the long metal thing that looked like a narrow table was actually our bench.

The home team took the field.  I’d expected them to be in prison garb, but they had full uniforms (courtesy of the major league team), with an orange “Giants” emblazoned across black jerseys.  Their roster would be a few short today; anybody residing in H-block was absent.  A few prisoners in that unit had contracted a virus.  As a result, the whole block locked-down, a precaution due to the speed an epidemic can spread in a closed-off prison.

Beyond the clover outfield, the warning track contoured around the ins and outs of the fences that bordered our field.  The difference between this field and any other where I’ve played quickly struck me.  The spectators were inside the fences.  Prisoners lined the edges of the field, some in cliques, some loners, while many others walked or jogged the “warning track” that looped the yard. 

A new concern surfaced, hidden in the back of my mind by the question as to whether I’d survive the visit.  Was I even good enough to play in this game?  I’m 50 and live for baseball.  Sundays are dedicated to amateur ball in the 35 and older division of the Los Angeles Baseball League.  In that league, most have played long enough to have success because of our fundamentals.  But the arms are starting to go (if they’re not gone already).  The bat slows down.  The reflexes.  Though I do well, I no longer face 20-year old hurlers—the pitchers that can bring it.

Right away I saw their starter brought a hot fastball.  Just what I didn’t need.

We’d bat “through,” a common practice in adult amateur baseball where everyone on a 12 to 14 man roster bats instead of a traditional nine-man line-up.  It gives everyone a shot to participate.  Free defensive substitution is also allowed as opposed to more formal baseball rules.

We pushed across an unearned run in the first, but the Giants countered with a pair in the bottom of the inning.  Defense was sloppy; maybe I wasn’t the only one who was feeling the nerves.

The pebbles that saturated the all-dirt infield didn’t build confidence fielding the ground balls hit to me at second.  Still, the prisoners had obviously worked hard to make the field the best possible.  Not easy to do because, as Kent said, tools equal potential weapons. 

By the time I first came to the plate in the second I was sure of one thing.  Stay off the high fastball.  Their pitcher had too much heat for me—I’d never get around on it.

Our games on Sunday don’t have big crowds.  A few of the guys’ wives show up with the kids.  Maybe someone’s girlfriend.  That’s about it.  I played at a small college, and the attendance there wasn’t any bigger.

In the yard, I was in front of the biggest crowd of my life.  The quintessential captive audience.  But no catcalls or trash talk filled the air as I expected.  It didn’t matter.  I still felt the pressure.  As any athlete will admit, you want to go in and show the guys—on both squads—that you can play, that you’re not some slug that tagged along and drags the team down.  That you’re not that kid we all remember in the Pee-wee leagues—the last one picked—the one that swung after the ball was in the catcher’s glove.  I didn’t want to be that kid. 

Not here.

I take a high fastball that catches the corner.  The home plate ump, Junkyard (who has by far the coolest name of any umpire I’ve ever taken the field with) calls strike one.  Another fastball—up.  I swing.  Late.  Down oh and two.

Stay off that pitch.  Poke something somewhere.  Whatever you do, don’t “K” to start this day off.  

Not here.

Fastball, low and away.  I take it.

Junkyard rings me up.  Three pitches.  This day couldn’t have started worse.  Back to the metal table-looking thing.

A 3D puzzle of dilapidated structures sits beyond left-center.  Archaic stairs lead up and down the sides of faded yellow walls then turn to mysterious passageways before disappearing into areas unknown.  But my eyes fix past the maze of buildings to the notorious housing unit, West Block that looms above them.  A plume of steam pours out from one of the puzzle pieces to obscure the view.  It’s like a Dickens novel that’s come to life.

The prisoners responsible for hanging the numbers on the “Field of Dreams” scoreboard in right don’t dally after each half inning.  And they don’t give the benefit of the doubt on errors—even for the home club—as the miscues total almost as much as the score.

After six, we’re deadlocked at five.  But Kent has a wedding to perform between games, so it’ll be a shortened contest.  No inning will start later than 12:30. 

It’s 12:20 now.  The seventh is it.

That doesn’t bode well for us.  The SQ starter threw well, but the Giants now have Stretch on the mound to close it out.  The tall and lanky righty is likely San Quentin’s most famous player because he’s so good.

Stretch doesn’t throw as hard as their starter, but he quickly shows why he’s earned the reputation as a stellar pitcher.  It’s not his wide array of pitches; it’s his great command of them.  You’re not going to get anything good.

A hit, a stolen base and an out manages to move our go ahead runner to third. 

It’s our last chance.  And guess who’s coming up for us… 

I’m oh for two at this point.  In baseball, ohfers are long forgotten if you knock in the winning run.  All game I’ve been eyeing the short porch in right like the lifer who’s spotted a hole in the wall.  There’s some sort of caged-off material yard that shortens the field there.  Any batted-ball that makes the top of the cage is a homer.  It can’t be more than a 280-foot poke.  Probably shorter.  In my Sunday league, I’ll pop one out about once every two seasons with a metal bat.  But this I can reach, even with the wood we’re using.

Stretch makes his only mistake all day—he leaves one out over the plate.  Slightly outside.  I couldn’t ask for a better pitch to go the other way. 

Excitement raced through my veins as I ran to first.  I didn’t think I’d hit it well enough to make the top of the cage, but it certainly would be off the fence.  I’d return home to tell everyone about my game winning shot at San Quentin.

That’s when I learned a new aspect of playing in the yard.  Baseballs don’t carry as well above the wall as they do below it. 

My liner had taken off like a rocket, but once it got above the level of the wall, it died in the bay breeze like it’d been shot by a guard while trying to escape.  Not only didn’t it make the fence, it didn’t even make the track with the walking prisoners.  I watched it die, futilely dropping to the right fielder who was playing shallow by necessity of the short field.  My “blast” succumbed so quickly I wasn’t even sure it’d score the guy on third.

But in his eagerness to nail our guy at home, the right fielder misplayed the ball.  The go-ahead scored.  As far as I was concerned—as far as the legend would go—I’d crushed the game-winning RBI sac fly off San Quentin’s star pitcher.  No official scorekeeper would contradict me later.

The Giants launched a furious rally in the bottom of the inning, but couldn’t score.  We’d taken Game One.  From ohfer to hero at San Quentin.

Wait…

The Giants wanted to continue.  They weren’t going to lose this game.  Not by one run.  Coach Kent could go marry the couple.  They’d go on without him.

Despite the fact that my game-hero status was likely doomed, I had a begrudging admiration for the Giants’ insistence to go on.  It was like when you were a kid and stalled when it was time to go in for dinner because you wanted to keep playing outside.

We couldn’t touch Stretch after that.  But we still thought we had it until we gave up one (almost two) in the bottom of the ninth.  A tie.  And my game-winning “shot” turned into kiss your sister.

We did the congratulation line, with hugs.  I wasn’t worried about shivs anymore.  Stretch led both teams in prayer.  They thanked us for coming to play.  I couldn’t remember receiving more genuine gratitude.

Despite the whispered rumors in the dugout during the game, “three quarters of them are in for murder,” I never bothered to find out what each guy was in for.  I didn’t really care.  On this day, they weren’t any different from us.  They were just guys out playing ball.

Our team packed up our gear and started back toward the driveway.  Lunch would be outside the prison.  I lagged a bit at the bench to undo my knee-brace.  The anxiety was long gone.

That’s when the prison alarm went off. 

Instantly every inmate dropped to a squat.   Except for the loud drone of the buzzer, there wasn’t a movement or sound in the yard.

I’d almost forgotten where I was.

I didn’t know what to do.  The team huddled 100 feet away.  I heard a voice from somewhere say not to worry about it.  I think it was directed to us, but I didn’t know what that meant.  Should I make a move to get back with my group?  If I bolted for them I’d be the only moving person in the yard.  Now wasn’t the time to find out how good a shot the guards in the towers really were.

After a few minutes, the buzzer stopped and I hustled to the group.  I would hear it three more times in the second game. 

We’d win that one going away—our pitcher brought his good stuff on a late Saturday afternoon.  It was already well past seven when we said our goodbyes in the parking lot.  I drove off, wondering what I’d ever been so anxious about.

As I hopped on the freeway, a small insignificant sign I’d seen posted on the fence behind first base reappeared in my head. “FEEDING PIGEONS WILL RESULT IN CDC #115 BEING ISSUED.”

I didn’t have a clue what a CDC #115 meant other than the prisoners obviously would want to avoid getting it.  In our outside world, that sign would have no meaning.  Instead it would read something like, “$100 fine for feeding pigeons.” 

Theirs was a world where they knew what that CDC code meant.  And what every other CDC code meant, complete with its potential consequences. 

A world where they knew what to do when the buzzer went off in the yard. 

I’d come to try to live their world for a few brief hours and then be able to run back home where I’d be safe.  But there really was only so much I could experience as a visitor.  I could feel the flavor, but not know what it was to live the life. 

Instead I was rewarded with an experience that I’d taken for granted the entire adventure.  I’d joined a bunch of guys, from both sides of the wall, and for a day shared the same game we both loved.

And I drove off, looking forward to playing them again next year.