The Quarantine

March 19, 2011

A quarantine due to an outbreak of chicken pox in North Block has wiped out the practices until the 28th of March. On March 5th the quarantine went into effect. The Giants had gotten the roster down to 19 players meaning two more needed to be cut. The A’s tryout day was cancelled, which had been the 5th, but they mostly know who will be on the team anyway.

            Funny how the state built a multi-million dollar hospital, which overlooks the baseball field, but those sick with the chicken pox were not moved into it. Instead, the sick convicts were left in the block to infect others, I mean, talk about close quarters. Naturally, the disease spread to more inmates until the quarantine was extended to April 16, or beyond, who knows, so we moved opening day to May 7. Of course, the guys cannot practice, or exercise at all. Our pitchers, who had been throwing regularly and getting in baseball shape, will have to start over, somehow, and in their tiny, cramped cells.

I have not scheduled any April games for the A’s since I am not completely satisfied it will come off yet.[1] But, my memo worked.[2] The educational/recreational staff had no difficulty in backing me and the program we were hoping for. Steve, who was that coach I had been talking about, the one who allowed the inmates to run the team, he and I are okay now, but with some issues undecided. Waiting now to see if Bobby and the others will actually yield control of the team. Convicts simply should not run the team, though they had been able to do a fairly good job of it. Last year’s intramural team that morphed into the B team–the cons ran it. I have done what I could to see that Ed, Ollie, and Steve take charge but it remains to be seen.

As I mentioned previously, the A’s guys hate the idea of being a B team, but they are. The top players are Giants. A new guy, Frank, young, lefty, throws hard and is accomplished. He arrived at the prison just days before the tryouts, and both teams wanted him. After some considerable politicking, he went with the Giants. Now we will have four good starters, Kevin Driscoll, who I want to pitch on opening day, Matt White, Frank Braby, and he may be a real phenom, and Mario Ellis. Frank also plays center, looks great at the plate, so we have to have his bat in all the time.

Chris Marshall, last year’s center fielder, I had to inform that we would ask him to move to left field. He really didn’t like it and let me know he didn’t. Later he came back and said he would do it if it would help the team.

Chris comes from a rock solid family in Long Beach. He talks about his parents a great deal. He feels so bad that he has let the family down, the black sheep he calls himself, and he is Black. Drugs got the better of him and twice since this is the second time he has been in prison. He plays hard and is quite emotional. He gets on himself and a bit much, if he makes an error. One thing I know is that Chris has my back in the prison and he is nobody to fool with.

Some of the guys are getting older and slower. James at 2nd, Red at 1st, Duck, in left last year, Bilal, in right last year–younger guys are waiting to take their places. I can see the anxiety in their faces, the uncertainty. Terry Burton, a bench player mostly the last few years, moving into his mid-fifties, the grey hair appearing more obviously now, may be the smartest player on the team in a long while, has opted to play for the A’s where he figures he will get more playing time. We talked about it and I supported his decision.

We miss Chris Rich, now in the Duelle Institute, or DVI, in Tracey, CA. I have approval now to visit him and I hope to do so soon. Johnny, last year’s team captain and our catcher, is ready again. He is counted an Hispanic, but he lacks any of the physical characteristics of that ethnic group. He has the tattoos, speech, and body language of the proto-typical convict. I have found him to be a reliable man, one I can depend on. When I need information, and so on, I go to Johnny to talk. He has the best interests of the program at heart and gets the job done.

Johnny is a lifer. I never asked him what his crime was and he never volunteered it either. Chris Rich, whom I consider a friend even though volunteers are not supposed to develop such “familiarity” with a convict, was always the guy I depended on to talk real with and receive accurate information about the state of things with the players. Now it is Johnny, and he is easy to reach since he works in the garden area, with Frankie, our first base coach, just inside the main entrance to the prison. We have had a number of conversations in that spot, with Johnny leaning on a rake or a shove.

No wooden bats this year–they have splintered into what looks like weapon stock so only metal this year, none of which can be kept in the prison. The coaches have to bring in the bats and only three. Inventory control is tight now and there is another new warden who will want to make it look like he is doing the job so more rules are likely on the way.

The racial makeup this year–a little less Black, little more white, and enough players housed in North Block so that if H Unit gets locked down we can still play a game.

No real troubled guys on the Giants team for 2011, at least as it appears right now. Bad chemistry on the bench is the worst and this year I am committed to dealing with it at once.

We could have a sixty game schedule, forty for the Giants and twenty for the A’s. I wanted to prevent any of the baseball players from playing on the softball team, but the A’s players, those likely to make that team, protested strongly since they are also the softball players. I relented but then halved their schedule. In the long run then both teams would play approximately the same number of games and with 25% fewer teams to bring in, my load would be lighter. I was afraid of the reaction however, when I let this out during the second day of the tryouts. Strangely, I did not get any static about it. We will see, but I have got the scheduling locked down under my authority and it would be virtually impossible to alter that.

It was necessary to ordered 20 A’s caps, belts, and socks from T & B Sports in San Rafael owned by the Brusati brothers, Jeff and Mike. They give me a good discount. The Oakland A’s gave us uniforms, jerseys and pants, really nice stuff, big league stuff, but we needed to supply the rest of the uniform. We want our guys looking sharp.

And the Giants have new stuff, too. Mike Murphy, long time equipment manager for the San Francisco, World Champion Giants, sent a bunch of stuff over, which I have yet to see. Mainly I need baseballs. Without the Giant’s giving us their used game balls, the whole program would not be played the same way it is now.

Here we are, a big time prison, San Quentin, real convicts, who need to be there and safely locked up, wearing the most expensive big league uniforms, running around on the nice green grass, playing a game and getting a lot of attention for it as well. All at no cost to the tax payer I might add.

            Right or wrong? Good or bad? Fair or foul? I don’t deal with these questions anymore. I just do it.

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[1] Nearly all the Giants schedule is set now except for five games in August. Since outside teams know the A’s are the “B” team, it is proving difficult to fill up their twenty game schedule. But it will happen because there will be teams who will badly want to come in even if they have to play the B team.

[2] The memo’s success was short lived as the whole mess had to be dragged once again into meetings with the education/recreaction brass. By opening day, May 7, many key issues remain unresolved.

This title is taken from the “big book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, chapter 5, which is sometimes read at their meetings. It explains the basics of the famous “12 Step Program,” and because of its simplicity and clarity, it is helpful to new members in particular. Similarly, this chapter intends to express with some simplicity and hopefully some clarity how the Christian life works. It is a Mystery How the Christian life works is a mystery. This admission may seem to compromise the goal of simplicity and clarity, even bring it into question altogether, but it must be stated, since it is the truth. How a person, from a human perspective, becomes a Christian in the first place is not easily explained nor completely understood by anyone. The Bible is not laid out in a doctrinally systematic format; rather, we find small portions of hundreds of doctrinal points scattered through- out. But when the key points on salvation are put together, it becomes plain that conversion – the new birth, becoming a Christian, being saved (all synonymous terms) – describe a work that God actually does – spiritually, within, for, and to a person. 

Salvation is the one great concern and is therefore the focus of the testimony of both Scripture and Christian doctrine, regardless of denomination. Separated as we are from God, due to sin, only judgment and eternal death await the unconverted. This is the greatest of losses, and God in his love reaches out to us in Christ. 

The Outline 

The following outline is comprised of two points: salvation and sanctification. It is necessary to use such words; we must not be afraid of them, for they contain the essence of how it works. 

Salvation means conversion, or how it is that a person is saved or born again. It encompasses repentance and faith. Sanctification describes the spiritual growing up or spiritual maturation of a Christian. This is analogous to the physical birth of a human being and the natural process of growing into physical maturity. 

1. Salvation 

Before anyone is ever converted, he will hear, or somehow become acquainted with, the basic tenets of the gospel of Jesus Christ, which involve the crucifixion, death, burial and resurrection of Jesus. The gospel message may be communicated through a book, a film, or a personal conversation, but it is usually communicated through preaching. This is clearly depicted in Romans 10:17: “So faith comes from what is heard, and what is heard comes by the preaching of Christ” (RSV). 

Faith is a gift from God. “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). No one has faith apart from it being given by the Holy Spirit. This much is clear. No one can repent unless sin 

is seen for what it is, and it is the Holy Spirit who reveals this truth. No one has the capacity to repent and believe apart from the influence of God. This is what is meant by grace – God makes it possible to repent and believe, since no one can do it alone or on their own. 

It is God’s Holy Spirit who reveals to a person that he has sinned against God, who produces a desire to turn from that sin, and then reveals Jesus to be the Savior who is able and willing to forgive all sin. Then the great mystery of conversion occurs. In a way we do not fully understand, a person is “born again.” Salvation is completely a work of God. It does not result from a person’s good deeds. 

Someone might ask at this juncture, “What can I do?” A jailer in the ancient city of Philippi asked this very question of the apostle Paul. The response was, “Believe in the Lord Jesus” (Acts 16:31). The jailer believed right there and then. How did he do it? Well, we are not told exactly how, except that it was by the power of God. 

So, then, how can you believe in Jesus? You will believe only by the influence of God’s Holy Spirit, which begins with the Spirit of God creating in you the desire to believe in Jesus, just as he did with the Philippian jailer. To go beyond this is to go beyond Scripture itself. The invitation is to repent of your sin and believe in Jesus. Anyone can do this, since the Bible says that whosoever will may come to him. I will add, “Look to Jesus and be saved.” 

2. Sanctification 

Sanctification means to be set aside by God as his own and for his service, and it begins right at the moment of conversion. In fact, each Christian is thoroughly sanctified or made holy by God at the instant of his conversion. This is why Christians are called “saints,” a term derived from the word “sanctified.” A Christian is a saint and is holy, or sanctified, not because of anything the Christian has done, but solely

because of what God has done. God has both placed within every Christian the righteousness of Jesus, and the Christian into Jesus, who is holy and without any blemish or sin. This is not an easy concept to grasp, but it is thoroughly biblical. 

Although the Christian is sanctified and is considered completely holy by God, he still continues to sin. This is indeed paradoxical, but again, it is what the Scripture teaches. This has been the experience of Christians right from the beginning. We have been born anew by the Spirit of God, and we have been given the gift of eternal life, yet we find ourselves sinning. 

Not that the Christian is to continue in sin as a way of life. No, we are to turn away from sin and seek to honor and please God. But there is within us the mystery of sin, something incredibly powerful that will sometimes gain certain victories over us. Nevertheless, despite our sin, the sureness of our salvation is never in question. Our salvation depends on what God has done in Christ and not upon our ability or strength to refrain from sinning. 

Sanctification is a process that continues throughout our lifetime. We go forward little by little; sometimes we even seem to be going backwards. Paul put it this way: “…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Philippians 2:12-13). Paul urges the Christian to “work out your own salvation” while at the same time asserting that God is at work in the life of the Christian to do that very thing. It is a paradox. We cling to both of these truths simultaneously. 

Assurance and Peace 

In reality, it works as we trust in Jesus. This is it in a nutshell; but everything is centered on the fact that Jesus has secured our salvation and sanctification.

Jesus is the source of our assurance and peace. We have eternal life right now, and God is continually working with us, bringing us to maturity in Christ

The Memo[1]

Our coaches are in agreement–to begin again with the team selection process.

Either of the following two approaches is acceptable for the 2011 season.

1. Work off the present arrangement with the players for the Giants to be selected by the Giant’s coaches, and to disregard the players selected for the A’s team which was done by the inmates, and the A’s coaches select the players for that team.

OR

2. Have a draft wherein all the potential players are put into a pool and the coaches select the teams, 17 players for each team plus 3 inmate coaches.

This last concept we intend to put into place for 2012, the draft from a pool of players where the coaches select the players.[2]

Our consensus is that under the present situation where the inmates are allowed to determine the makeup of the team–this is unacceptable and undermines the entire coaching concept.

From my perspective, and to prevent more grumbling, the first option might be better. I am however willing to go with either. My concern is twofold: one, preserve the fine coaching staff we have in place right now. Two, avoid situations that might jeopardize the sports program in toto. As I observe things, with twenty-nine years at the prison and sixteen as the baseball coach, we have a potential disaster on our hands with the inmates in charge. Some of them may respond that they have their coach, but it is a coach who deliberately lets the inmates run the program. This is dangerous, especially if this particular coach is allowed to set his own agenda and begin bringing in his own teams and cross scheduling games.

Kent Philpott

March 1, 2011

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[1] This is the exact memo I executed for the prison staff that oversees the education/recreation programs.

[2] Our Giant’s coaches have since rejected the pool-draft concept for the 2012 season.

A memo announcing Tryouts for the baseball teams was posted well in advance of Saturday February 26. Fifty plus convicts came to tryout and the coaches were all present armed with clip boards and pens. After warm-ups, throwing, some running, we started the basic rotation drill to watch the guys field grounders, throw, and catch. Then we gathered names for those who wanted to tryout, noting their housing, release date, and desired position.

Right away it became clear we had a problem: a little more than half of the guys who were trying out said they would be playing for the A’s. That meant they were not intending to play for the Giants, the team of which I was head coach.

The idea for a second team, the B team, the A’s, emerged late last season. Originally there was supposed to be an intramural prison league developed, but it morphed, due to my weakness and desire to please, into something more. Basically the intramural team started bragging they were better than the Giants. For some reason I allowed the two teams to play each other and even brought in two outside teams for the second team to play. Now I am paying for it.

After a series of meetings with convicts and prison staff, I agreed to run two teams for 2011. There was not enough of the old Pirates uniforms to make it work, so I wrote a letter to the major league Oakland A’s and they were gracious enough to provide a full set of really nice uniforms. This is how the second team became the A’s.

The volunteer “beige”[1] card holder who was to oversee the second group allowed the inmates to run the entirety of the operation. He did that well enough, but he had no real say in the process, including making out the lineup and other duties always assumed by the team manager.

In time I woke up to the problem and as a result brought in two old friends, Ed and Ollie, to manage the A’s team with the other coach yet working with the players. It seemed like a solution.

The first day of tryouts then my solution fizzled. The inmates were in charge.[2] Even Steve, Ed, and Ollie, the guys who were to run the B team, were left out though I tried to intervene. One particular inmate, a youngish white guy named Bobby, a good ball player, had taken control of the team. I mean solid control. He had it all mapped out, planned out, and that would be it. He had already determined who would be playing for the A’s, so the tryouts were a farce.

One of my concerns was that the team is mostly white, one black but a necessity since he is the only actual starting pitcher. Looks a little like the Aryan Brotherhood with a token black thrown in for appearances sake. That may not be entirely accurate, but the thought went through my mind.

The de-facto manager, Bobby, also had plans to start an intramural league on top of it all, which he announced to me though he knew I am supposed to be in charge of the baseball program. Actually this man is now in charge of the second team and I will have to do something to alter what he already has in place. The B team coaches, and due to no fault of their own, will either not survive the situation, but more likely, will refuse to be a part of it. These men are real baseball guys who have years of experience running baseball clubs.

With Ed and Ollie out, or marginalized at best, Steve will merely watch the proceedings and allow the inmates to run the A’s. Already there is pressure on me to allow them to have the same status as the Giants in terms of practice time and schedule. I have a decision to make. My gut tells me to withdraw now. It is nothing but a collision about to happen. If I give in, the program could easily end. The A’s, lacking strong leadership, will deteriorate into an arguing bunch of cons.

Sure someone else could run the program and I would hate to give it up much less have it taken from me. I enjoy the whole thing; it is real baseball and like others, I am fascinated with developing the system. But I resent being pushed around, maybe out, by the convicts.

Bobby, the de facto manager of the A’s informed me that those state employees in charge of education/recreation are behind him. Indeed, I found that the usual convict manipulation had been under way. This sort of thing is a constant in prison. It is often called making a “duck” out of someone. It usually begins with flattery, working hard to help a staffer, favorably comparing the person with others, then slowly, and ever so carefully asking for a favor. Granting the favor is going to be a violation of the state’s operating manual, and could also be a crime, and once committed, things are headed down a very slippery and dangerous slope. It is easy to adopt the inmate’s world view and begin to both sympathize and empathize with them. Once that is done, the inmates have a duck.

 Every year it is strife and anxiety for me. Why do I subject myself to it? Is it the adrenaline rush I get from being at the prison–which I do think I experience. Maybe it is the little bit of media attention that comes my way? Do I pride myself on my longevity as baseball coach at San Quentin? Maybe I just like being called “coach,” which is what one player told me was why I came in year after year. Could be some of all of these. Who cares, I do it and that is about it. So another year looms full of the usual potential for constant conflict and unnecessary stress–which go together to produce an unsafe environment for me physically and emotionally.

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[1] Prior to 2011 the ID card for volunteers who had earned the right to enter and move about the prison without an escort to conduct whatever it was they were doing was called a “brown card.” That was due to the card’s brown border. For some reason brown went to beige so we are stuck with beige card.

[2] Volunteers have only so much authority and we depend on the cooperation of the inmates. Without that, nothing much happens.

How did it happen, Francisco, that you gave up?” I asked. 

“I just don’t care anymore. What difference does it make anyway? As hard as I try, I keep ending up back here in prison.” 

A familiar theme

Though I may hear this equally from a John Smith, a Hector Lopez, a Tyrone Jackson, or a Jack Ten Eagles on my visits to San Quentin Prison, it is the cry of despair and resignation. Emanating often from a giant reservoir of anger, directed towards both society and self, it is an attitude that surely condemns a person to a life of pain.

I am acquainted with it myself. After my divorce in which I lost everything – my family, my job, my home, even my car – I felt as if I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. It was as if I had entered a black hole. For two solid years I walked around depressed and behaved as though it didn’t matter if I lived or died. I am convinced that if the God of the twenty-third Psalm had not walked with me during that time, I would have indeed died, if not literally, then in every other way. But even during the darkest days, I knew I belonged to Jesus and that he belonged to me. In a way I do not understand, he lifted me up out of the “slimy pit, out of the mud and mire,” and set my feet, once again, on the solid rock. So, at the prison, I feel as though I am a beggar telling another beggar that there is hope. 

How does it happen? 

Sin is mysterious and powerful, and it is something that dwells in us all. Sin separates us from God, and it separates us from others and even ourselves. We end up alone. Even within a loving family we are alone, trapped deep inside ourselves. If we follow our rebellious nature and are not reigned in or rescued by circumstances – family, friends, the law, the school, the church, and so on – the sin will work like a cancer in us, destroying us a little bit at a time. After a while, all can be lost, every dream dashed to pieces, and we don’t care anymore. Into the dark cloud we go, and our blindness overwhelms us. 

Of course, this does not happen to us all like it did to Francisco, or even to me; most of us do not get to the very bottom. But we may all approach it. Some days simply go wrong. Bad day may be added to bad week and then joined to awful months. It may be illness, financial disaster, extreme family troubles, rejections, losses, major discouragements – with little light at the end of the tunnel. And if there is no strong foundation like there was for me, well, anything might happen. 

Never give up! 

Forgiveness of sin is a wonderful thing. Knowing that God is real and that he cares for us is a powerful realization. The fact that this world is not our ultimate home brings us great hope and joy. Jesus went to the very end of all things for us, dying in our place. He took the worst there is and did itfor us. However bad it gets, Jesus can rescue us and He does it regularly and consistently. To the Franciscos in the dark cloud, I can confidently assure them that, although they have given up on themselves, Jesus has not. He is like that Father who sees his runaway son coming back home and hurries to embrace him; or like the Good Shepherd who walks the dreaded places searching for the lost and wounded sheep. He never gives up, so even if you don’t care anymore, you must never give up either.

The 2011 Baseball Season at San Quentin Prison

By Kent Philpott

Introduction

Baseball at the prison began under Chaplain Earl Smith in 1995. At that point I was doing cell-to-cell ministry out of the Protestant Chapel, and this for 13.5 years. Our chaplain was Earl Smith. He knew that I was a baseball guy, and he asked me to help with the team, the Pirates then, as he had to undergo medical treatment.

It did not take me long to agree and I reached out to Dan Jones, a long time baseball guy, part of our Miller Avenue Baptist Church in Mill Vally, CA., to join with me.

The 1997 season went well, and Dan and I looked forward to a second year as Chaplain Smith was not ready to return. Dan and I did this for four years, but Dan came down with an illness that prevented him from continuing into year five.

It was my job to contact outside teams and invite them to come in for games, these on Saturdays, and soon to expand to a second weekly game, on Thursdays. Chaplain Smith had already set things up to bring in outside teams, so it was fairly easy for me to follow along.

By 1998 there were teams contacting us, sometimes from out of state, wanting to come in. I had to have the name of the player, his birthday, social security #, and driver’s license #. Fairly easy then; things got complicated later on.

I have photos, as those of you who read the story of the 2010 season know, and here, I have forgone the photos due to necessity. There will follow, at some unknown point, the story of the 2012 season, which was truncated due to some prison chaos, but it will be presented sometime down the line.

Some years went by before I began to return to the prison. Altogether, I was engaged with the prison for 30 plus years. My life got busier and though I wanted to, my San Quentin years were behind me, mostly because in 2004 I began to coach baseball at high schools in Marin County. Strange, but I am coaching football, now at Terra Linda High, about to go into my fourth year. Maybe some more, too. We will see.

What Can the Unconverted Do?

After twenty-nine years of ministry with an Arminian viewpoint, I underwent a theological transformation. Much of the change was the result of studying the first and second Great Awakenings in America. I am now “reforming,” and it has been quite a jolt to the church I pastor. Some have left the church, some have been converted, and yet others have come to the conclusion that they are unconverted, but they remain in the church fellowship. What these precious seekers can do to become converted is a critical issue for me right now.

What can they do?

I used to have an easy answer to this question. “Pray this sinner’s prayer,” was my usual response. Now I know that the result will probably be a false conversion, or, as I like to say, “Christianization,” rather than genuine conversion. But can I have any response at all and still be true to the Reformed tradition, which I believe more closely adheres to the biblical model? I believe so.

The unconverted may seek God, his kingdom, and his righteousness.

The Problems 

Two problems must be addressed. First, the unconverted are dead in their trespasses and sins (Ephesians 2:1) and thus have no will to do anything but continue in rebellion against God. Second, “The god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” (2 Corinthians 4:4). Between sin and Satan, the unconverted are in a desperate condition. 

How can these problems be overcome? The Holy Spirit is the answer. When the gospel is preached, the Holy Spirit will convict of sin, reveal Jesus, and draw the unconverted to the cross. This is clear from John’s Gospel chapters 14, 15, and 16. In a way in which we do not fully understand, by the working of God’s Spirit, the unconverted are given the will and ability to come to Jesus. In fact, there is great responsibility laid upon the unconverted to trust in Jesus; they must repent of sin and believe in Jesus as Savior and Lord. 

The Call to Preach 

To those unconverted at my own and other churches, the Word of God says, “Blessed are they who keep his testimonies, who seek him with their whole heart.” “I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.” “Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.” “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you.” “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” (Psalm 119:2; Proverbs 8:17; Isaiah 55:6; Matthew 6:33; 7:7; and Hebrews 11:6) 

As the gospel is preached, a miraculous drawing occurs.

There is often a great hunger for forgiveness and a desire to be right with God. There may be a great dread of hell and a desire to be safe in Christ. This is the work of the Holy Spirit and a work we should expect when the gospel is preached. As Paul explained, “Faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ” (Romans 10:17). 

Cornelius’ Prayer 

When Cornelius, the Roman centurion, sought after the God of Israel, the angel of the Lord said to him: “Your prayers and your alms have ascended as a memorial before God” (Acts 10:4). Though he was yet unconverted, God heard his prayers. Based on this, I urge unconverted people who are seeking Jesus to pray for two things. First, pray that they would see their sin as it truly is; and second, pray that Jesus and his finished work might be clear to them. When a person wishes to pray such prayers, then that to me is evidence of the working of the Holy Spirit. 

The Seeker and the seeker 

God is the Seeker of those who seek him; it is God alone who initiates the process. He is the great and good Shepherd who seeks for the wandering sheep; he is the one who diligently sweeps the house until the lost coin is found. And, he will find those he is seeking.

Last Chapter

Given all the barriers and obstacles that stood in my way, I am surprised I became a Christian at all. Immediately prior to my conversion, I was in jeopardy of walking away without Christ forever.

After fifty years as a Christian and forty-five years as a minister of the gospel, I have discovered a number of obstacles, hindrances, barriers, or scandals that may keep a person from becoming a Christian. What these obstacles are and how they may be overcome is the subject of this chapter. To put it another way, “Why am I a Christian?”

The exclusiveness of Jesus

The idea of Jesus being the only Savior was, to my mind, an expression of ignorance and arrogance. To many non-believers, the idea that Jesus is God seems absurd. To their thinking, the claim that Jesus is the exclusive means to the Creator of the entire universe appears puerile and simplistic.

At the time of my conversion, my concept of God was confused. I had a vague notion that there might be a God, but admitting that there is a particular God who had become a man and had acted to bring a rebellious people to himself was beyond the scope of my understanding. And suggesting that this God was the only true God offended the liberal sensitivities I had gained through the course of my college education.

Our general populace and some liberal Christians have abandoned the concept of the exclusiveness of Jesus. Inclusiveness, diversity, political correctness, relativism – these are powerful ideas that have persuaded many to deny the exclusive claims of the Bible about Christ. This departure from historic Christian doctrine is rather commonplace now. However, many Christians do adhere to Scripture, and thus the preeminence of Christ survives. If, at the time of my pre-conversion crisis, I had encountered someone championing the cause of liberal Christianity, I may well have been persuaded by such reasoning or at least would have become more confused than I already was. Instead, I heard a preacher who stuck to the Book and would not compromise one word.

Still, the notion that God should love only Christians violates a certain sense of fairness. What about those in third world countries who do not know anything about Jesus?  What about them? What kind of a God is this anyway? What about those who cannot find their way to the narrow path – are they condemned forever to a devil’s hell? Particularly heartbreaking is the idea that the innocents of the world – children and those raised in deplorable and hopeless conditions who never even hear of Jesus – will be lost forever. For me, this is perhaps the most troubling doctrinal position of all, even though I am in my fifth decade as a Christian. It will probably trouble me all my life. There are no words I can think of to settle my mind about it. Yet I know the God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ is loving and merciful beyond description. There is abundant testimony in the Bible that God loves everyone. Of this I am sure. While I will leave the hard questions for him to answer in his way and in his time, even such tough issues as these do not have the power to distort or negate the truth of Jesus and his cross.

This exclusiveness barrier was not removed by logic, revelation, or careful analysis. All these years later, I have more easily, though not completely, reconciled the difficulty of the narrow path to Jesus. I also considered that the creator God, with a single focused purpose and plan, as would be reasonable, might well provide to all his creation the same way to be reconciled to him. Why have a host of different plans? It would only serve to confuse everyone. A God who changed constantly would not be reliable. A God who treated people differently might be a confused God.

Consider that the gods of the world’s religions are quite different from one another, to the point of being mutually exclusive. This is not a treatise on world religions, but the plain fact is, they are not the same, despite the sophistry of the masses that claims, “All paths lead to God.” I have read the basics of the world’s religions, and their belief systems contradict one another, which is especially true for Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, and Christianity. Using a popular means of comparing things, it is not apples and apples. It is not even like comparing two kinds of fruit, but more like fruit and rocks, and even this comparison does not adequately express the tremendous differences.

There is no question that the “Jesus only” barrier is enough to keep someone from Christ. It nearly kept me from him.

Judgment and hell

Most non-believers know that Christians claim their God knows all things and is all-powerful. Why, they ask, would such a God create people who have numerous personal flaws that make them prone to break his laws and then predestine them to spend eternity in hell? Such a God seems monstrously capricious and cruel.

What troubled me was the question, “How could a loving God condemn one of his creatures to a horrible place forever?” This was the nature of the barrier.

The preacher presented it loud and clear – judgment and hell awaited all who did not trust in Jesus. It was with this pronouncement that a fire and brimstone Baptist preacher confronted me. The liberal preachers, heavy on love and soft on wrath, did not convince me, although I am not sure why not. I suppose I already believed what they taught: be sincere and loving, sit in church and pray, give to those less fortunate, and do good works. That was their whole message. But in the back of my mind I wondered. If these universal salvation preachers were right, then I had nothing to worry about. However, if they were wrong, I was in trouble. Not that I was a terribly awful person, but I was definitely not holy and without sin, and I had no plans to change. I thought that the few sins I committed to supposedly help me cope with the troubles of life were innocent enough. There were just a few major ones continuing from my youth, and I thought I could work on them somehow.

Yet the thundering from the pulpit made God sound awful to me. I thought it would have been wiser for the pastor to delete those points on judgment and hell and create, in today’s jargon, a more “user friendly” church. This was not good psychology, and I wondered if the preacher even knew what he was doing. Though he persisted in it, I must admit that he did not mention it much, maybe once or twice; but I could not get it out of my mind.

I resisted the thought that I could be frightened into becoming a Christian and having to change my ways. If I had to go to hell, I thought at least I would not be alone. If that was my due, then so be it. Getting me all worked up about hell would not do the trick.

But then I kept remembering something the preacher said. Would Jesus really say to human beings, “Depart from me, I never knew you”?  The preacher said he would. Would the torment be so terrible that a condemned person would plead for even a drop of water? And would it mean being shut up forever with the demons and the devil? The preacher said it would, because that was what the Bible taught. I never did resolve the problem of judgment and hell before my conversion, and it still is quite disturbing to me.

I have, however, come to believe those doctrines, because I see them throughout the Scriptures, and they are entirely logical. God made a perfect world and created humans in his own image. They then rebelled against him and thus lost the fellowship they had with him. Their sin separated them or, more precisely, severed the relationship between them and their God. From then on, death means that we humans cannot be with God where he dwells in heaven. We cannot be in his holy presence with our sin against us. And because everyone will be raised eternally, those of us separated from God by our sin will have to spend it elsewhere – in a place called hell. This hell, created as an everlasting abode for the devil and demons, will be the final home of the unrighteous. This is the sentence to be handed down at the final judgment of God.

There it is: judgment and hell.  What a barrier! We, with our limited understanding, are offended by such an idea. It is an obstacle so high that no one can get over it or around it no matter how hard one tries.

The problem of grace

How can grace be a problem? Grace – the love, mercy, and forgiveness of God given freely to those who do not deserve it – is indeed a wonderful gift.

Grace is God electing us to salvation. Since we have no ability to come to him on our own, he comes to us. Actually, the Father draws us to his Son. And when he does, we hear (not to be taken in a literal sense) the voice of Jesus calling out to us; we hear him knocking, and we arise and open that door. He comes in and dwells with us, because it is his will and desire to do so.

Grace is a barrier, because it implies that we cannot control our own destiny. This is the heart of it. Inasmuch as grace is a gift from God that we cannot earn, it follows that we are powerless to make ourselves acceptable to God. We cannot forgive our own sin; no matter what we do, we cannot make ourselves righteous.

In my self-righteousness and pride I proclaimed, “I am a good person, as good as or better than anyone else, and what’s more, I am a spiritual and compassionate person.” The biblical doctrine of grace denotes that all of these fine qualities are of no value whatsoever when it comes to being right before God. This made me angry.

The Scriptures declare, “So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy” (Romans 9:16). Since grace is offensive to us, we are tempted to invent a religion by which we can earn our own way. This is the foundation of all religions except biblical Christianity. The opposite of grace expresses itself like this: work hard, study hard, be sincere, love others, serve those in need, attain to a loving and compassionate consciousness, and so on, all done by our own effort. We may go so far as to mouth the old adage, “God helps those who help themselves.” But in our pride we reject grace, for grace is really God giving us what we cannot earn. We stubbornly refuse grace and say, “Away with it, I will do it myself. I am man, I am woman, I am my own person.”

We even proudly proclaim, “I am my own god and in control of my own destiny.” Tell me I am the master of my fate, and I will bow down and worship before this altar and this god created in my image. Declare that I am without sin or that there is no such thing as sin, and I will embrace such ideas enthusiastically. But don’t tell me I am a sinner, dead and lost and condemned, or I might rise up in a rare moment of intolerance and accuse you of being narrow and bigoted or worse.

The self-willed person cannot extinguish the offensive nature of grace. This barrier will not be removed, for if grace is removed, there can be no forgiveness. Jesus has done all that is necessary, all that can ever be done for my salvation. Now he stands offering it to me freely. This is grace. When I did not love him, he loved me. When I despised and rejected him, he longed to be my Savior. When I heaped abuse upon him, he prayed that I might be forgiven. This is grace.

Grace challenges most of my life experience, because I have been taught to expect punishment or rewards depending on my behavior. But grace contradicts this universal experience. Outside of the grace of Jesus we know only reward or punishment, perhaps the concept of karma, and the best we can hope for is an even break. But we cannot break even; in reality we will only experience repeated failure, guilt, and despair.

What a barrier – without Jesus we can do nothing. Yet when we see this great and liberating truth, we can experience grace, and the obstacle will be overcome.

The devil and the demons

What proof is there of a devil? There is none that would stand up to scientific scrutiny, even though those who are committed to the reality of paranormal experiences may advance certain evidence.

The worlds’ religions are full of stories of demons and devils. Most may be fanciful and mythical, but the fact remains that people on earth believe and have believed in the demonic from the beginning. There are probably more religious ceremonies, litanies, and rituals designed to ward off or placate evil spirits than any other religious activity taking place on a day by day basis. However, this alone proves nothing.

The Bible speaks of a literal devil named Satan. It also speaks of demons. In short, Satan was a ruling angel who rebelled against God at some time in the distant past, and the demons are those angels who sided with him in that rebellion. Those beings then allied themselves against the one supreme Deity and all that this Creator God made – especially that which was created in his own image, humans. Yet, this biblical ‘‘proof” does not measure up to scientific examination either. The existence of Satan and demons is a matter of faith. Though some claim direct experience with the devil, as I do myself, yet it is subjective in nature and not the kind of proof that would stand up to empirical scientific inquiry.

Counter arguments for the devil’s existence, though compelling, prove nothing either. For the sake of fairness, I will point out some of the more potent arguments against the reality of demonic forces. Firstly, if God knows everything, then why didn’t he know that some of his angels would rebel and refrain from creating the rebellious ones? Secondly, if God has complete power to do anything, then why didn’t he destroy the rebellious angels before they could harm people? Thirdly, if Satan and the demons will be cast into hell sometime in the future, then why doesn’t God do away with them right now?  Fourthly, if God created soon-to-be-fallen angels, then why didn’t he make them interested in tadpoles, so that people would be left in peace? Fifthly, if God created angels who would fall, then why doesn’t he admit his mistake? Sixthly, if it is not a mistake, then God must not love his people all that much.

A thorough examination of the Bible would satisfy us on some of these points, but even armed with scriptural explanations, the existence of the demonic would still be a matter of faith. Furthermore, several of the counter arguments bring up the issue of theodicy, or the justification of a good God in the face of evil, a subject long and futilely debated over the millennia.

So then, we have the problem of how preposterous the existence of the devil may seem. If, in fact, there is a devil, then that should also lead us to wonder what influence such a crafty, subtle, and powerful being (as the Bible depicts Satan) has upon us. Prior to my conversion, I was unaware of any influence the devil might have had on me. Yet, when I ask myself where all my antagonism against Christianity, the Bible, church, and Christians sprang from, I also wonder if it all originated with me alone? I think that is possible, but based on what I know now, I think the devil must bear at least some of the responsibility.

I haven’t figured out why evil exists or why a loving God would allow evil to exist in the first place. I doubt I ever will. While I have some idea of how to resolve these issues tucked away in a systematic theological model in the back of my mind, it is virtually impossible for me to recapitulate it to anyone. If pressed, I would say that Jesus himself believed in the existence of both Satan and demons. This is the most telling point for me, inasmuch as Jesus has ultimate integrity for me. He is Truth himself, and I have learned I can trust him.

Regarding the other point, given the reality of the demonic: How might the demonic influence a human being?  Paul wrote, “The god of this age has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” (2 Corinthians 4:4).  Satan, the god of this age, blinds minds so that people either cannot perceive Jesus at all or fail to understand his message. Usually it is the latter.

In my case I did not understand that Jesus was the Son of God, the Savior. That he was a historical figure who actually lived on earth was not a problem for me. I believed Jesus was the founder of a religion and considered him to be a great teacher, but I never believed he was the Savior who took my sin upon himself on the cross and who later rose from the dead.

When Jesus died upon the cross, he won the great victory over the devil. In fact, Jesus completely defeated Satan and will finally put Satan away forever into hell when he returns at the end of the age. Although Satan has power to blind the minds of non-believers, he does not have ultimate power. The Father calls people to his Son Jesus according to his own will. The apostle John put it this way: “The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil” (1 John 3:8).

Perhaps the most vivid example of Jesus’ triumph over Satan is the story of the man dwelling in the tombs in a region known as the Gerasenes. He had a legion, meaning many, many, demons living in him This outcast had been reduced to the most horrible existence and was beyond the help of anyone, but when he met Jesus the demons that had tormented and demented him were cast into a herd of pigs. Finally in his right mind, he became an evangelist to his countrymen (see Luke 8:26-39). This is perfectly in tune with what Jesus said he would do. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10).

“Blessed is the one who takes no offence at me.” These words of Jesus are the reason for this book. Piled up four deep now, the hindrances might seem insurmountable, but they are nothing but straw. There is no real offence in Jesus.

The scandalous history of the church

There are two churches today, and it has been like this from the beginning. One church is visible – the organization, the institution – and it is far from perfect, sometimes very far from anything resembling perfect. The other is the true Church, probably tiny in proportion to the visible church, and it is made up of all those who are genuine, born-again Christians. This true Church may be intermingled with the institutional church, while parts of the true Church may exist outside of the visible church altogether.

“For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God” (1 Corinthians 1:18). Because of this truth, there has been an effort on the part of church leaders, almost right from the beginning and throughout the course of church history, to avoid the scandal of the cross. Since the idea of the cross is foolishness to so many, there is a desire to replace it with ideas more readily acceptable to worldly people. It might be said that the true Church consists of those who are born again of the Spirit and adhere to and preach the message of the cross where Jesus, God in the flesh, died for our sin. This Church cannot be identified with any one group, denomination, theological model, or leader.

The visible church (es), with all their various names, doctrines, and leaders, developed political power, accumulated wealth, and worst of all, devised magical means whereby forgiveness and salvation were dispensed. They came to represent what all the world thought was biblical Christianity, but it was not.

Therefore, there are two histories of the church, and most of us are not able to easily distinguish between them. In his book, Concerning Scandals, John Calvin wrote that the church “never shines with that splendor which would enable the minds of men to recognize the Kingdom of God.” Even the true Church, the Church that clings to the cross of Jesus, is itself not pure and free from error, because it is composed of sinners not completed, even darkened in their understanding. It is no surprise that both churches and everything associated with them are prone to scandal.

The history of the early church, as found in the New Testament Book of Acts, reveals a less than perfect collection of believers. Acts 5 records members of the church lying to the apostles about money. Acts 6 contains details of trouble over the unequal distribution of food to certain widows, and the apostles themselves were implicated. In Acts 15 there is the account of a debate about the doctrine of salvation. Of the seven churches in Asia (see the opening chapters of Revelation) only one church escaped Jesus’ criticism altogether. There is more, but the point is that the church is not pictured as perfect in its most important and public document, the Bible. The early church had its problems, and Paul in particular wrote letters to correct several aspects of the doctrines and behaviors of various congregations. Curiously, the church’s internal difficulties did not provoke any would-be censors. The Bible records it that way, because that is what happened.

It should therefore be understood that what history might call the church was (and is) not necessarily the elect Church of God at all, but only a worldly institution that contains some true believers. We think of the crusades, the witch trials of Salem, the Inquisition, forced conversions of Jews, and a thousand other atrocities, and we wonder whether this all should be laid at the door of the church? The institutional church, or some form of it, is responsible for these and other horrible events, although even God’s elect Church is composed of saints who are nonetheless sinners. Therefore, history will record one grievous episode after the other, but I believe there is less true scandal than most people might imagine.

One reason the church’s history is full of scandal is that the enemy of God, Satan, and those who belong to that dark kingdom fight a dirty and horrific war against all those who trust in Jesus. Consider the following: Jesus warned that false Christians and prophets would appear and perform great signs and wonders, so that even the true Christians might be deceived (see Matthew 24:24). Paul wrote something similar: “Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons” (1 Timothy 4:1). In addition, Paul warned the Corinthian church about false teachers operating in the midst of the church itself: “For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ” (2 Corinthians 11:13). In the organized church there will be false apostles empowered by Satan himself. Is it any wonder that the history of such a church is full of scandal?

Remember, the good and bad elements of the church are so intermingled that it is often impossible to tell the difference. In a parable, Jesus warned against trying to make distinctions. His warning is so pertinent to a proper understanding of the mixed nature of the church, I quote its entirety here:

“The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field, but while his men were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. So when the plants came up and bore grain, then the weeds appeared also.

The servants of the master of the house came to him and said, ‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have weeds?’

He said to them, ‘An enemy has done this.’

So the servants said to him, ‘Then do you want us to go and gather them?’

But he said, ‘No, lest in gathering the weeds you root up the wheat along with them. Let both grow together until the harvest, and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, Gather the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn’” (Matthew 13:24-30).

Like any diabolic and clever opponent, Satan’s tactic is to attack the message by attacking the messenger. In the broadest sense, the church is that messenger, and so the archenemy must make every attempt to besmirch it. This must be understood, in order to have an accurate understanding of church history.

There is a true Church, the Church elect and called by God; and he alone knows who are his. This Church is perfect, because it is the Body of Christ. And Christ is in the midst of his church, the Church Triumphant. This Church is gathered to worship, honor, and serve the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. To this Church Jesus promised that the gates of hell would not prevail against it. The history of the church demonstrates the truth of Jesus’ statement, despite the fact that from those hellish gates every foul and scandalous evil will emerge.

The hypocrisy of believers

All Christians are hypocrites, and because of this, non-believers will be tempted to reject Jesus.

Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary defines “hypocrite” as “a person who pretends to have virtues, moral and religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs” (1996 edition). I have to admit to falling into the category of a hypocrite on the basis of this definition.

Prior to my conversion I knew that Christians were hypocrites; in fact, I used it as an excuse to reject Christian claims. I heard of one girl who was a Christian and attended church but was notoriously promiscuous. Some of my friends dated her, and it made me particularly angry that she would not go out with me. Whether she was a real Christian I cannot say, but the whole situation served to prejudice me against Christianity.

My perception, although I am not sure where it came from, was that Christians had to be perfect. I reasoned that if you are a Christian, then you have to be perfectly loving and ethical. And if not, then, “Ah-ha, see! You are a fake and a liar, and your Christianity is bogus, too.” This is how I saw things, and it suited my rebellion perfectly.

There is no question that I am a hypocrite, too. It is not my intention to be one, but I find that I am. A hypocrite is someone who professes to be something and is not. I profess to be perfect in Christ, but I am far less than that. There is a sense, however, in which I am perfect, because God sees me as perfect since I was placed into Christ at the moment of my conversion. I am still a sinner, not perfect, and I will remain so until the very moment of my death.

Christians do the strangest things, as I know from my experience as a pastor for several decades. Even the best of us fall short of the ideal, because the standard is so very high – Jesus himself. When his life is examined, it is clear that he was no hypocrite. No, he is the Lamb of God without blemish; though tempted to sin in every way that we are, he is without sin of any kind. Jesus, the sinless one, said that we are to be perfect as the Father in heaven is perfect, and therein lays the problem.

The “perfect yet sinner” paradox is true of all Christians, and it is quite biblical. Paul confessed that the things he did not want to do he did, and conversely, the things he wanted to do, he did not do (Romans 7:15-20). What a scandal this has produced. If anyone is looking for a reason to castigate Christianity, he will not have to look far. I should point out that a careful examination of Paul’s life would not have revealed him to be some kind of wild sinner indulging the flesh at every opportunity. In fact, it might have taken a close examination to find anything amiss at all. But Paul knew the high calling he had in Christ, and when he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he did not always act in accordance with his calling.

In the pages of the New Testament there are stories of some notable hypocrites. Peter comes immediately to mind. He was the first of the apostles to confess that Jesus was the Messiah. Then, before very long, he denied Jesus three times. There were also the two zealous disciples in the early Jerusalem church, Ananias and his wife Sapphira, who turned out to be cheats and liars (Acts 5:1-5). One of Paul’s companions, a missionary by the name of Demas, completely abandoned Paul, the gospel, and Christ; he rebelled and returned to a sinful life (see 2 Timothy 4:9-10). Consider, however, that the biblical writers made no attempt to hide or clean up the historical record. They let it stand as it was. Hypocrisy was expected, because the integrity and truth of Christianity does not reside with individual Christians, but depends exclusively on Jesus alone, the solid foundation and ground of it all.

Christians are bound to appear as hypocrites. We have always known this. Some of the greatest heroes in the history of the post-apostolic church have been inconsistent, although inconsistent is far too innocuous a term to describe some of the antics of the saints. Acknowledging this in Concerning Scandals, John Calvin wrote, “It is wrong for us to measure the eternal truth of God by the changing inconstancy of men” (p. 78). Then in the same place, he continued, “Will the treacherous desertion of certain individuals overthrow our faith?” Of course he expects the answer to be a resounding, No!

Early in my Christian life I could not help but notice that I did not give up sinning even though I wanted to. At one point I thought I should not be spending any time with those “good people” down at the church. It was not enough that no one knew what a rascal I was; I knew it, and so I thought that Christianity must not be working. Yet I hung on, refused to give up, and finally realized that everyone was just the same as me.

As time went on, I believed I was making a little progress. I noticed that, although some of my sin seemed to stop, that I would discover or even develop new sins. This has been the case the entire time I have been a Christian. I am never going to get away from the fact that I am a hypocrite. Hopefully, non-believers will not use my failures and inconsistencies to reject the gospel. I have decided that I do not want to hide from people in order to keep my sin private. No, I want to live an honest and open life. So, I intend to grow up into the stature of the fullness of Christ, and even when someone gets to know me well, they will not be caused to stumble by what they see.

Christians are bound to be seen as hypocrites by those who want to rebel against God. All they have to do is watch one of us for a while, and they will soon find some indiscretion, real or imagined, and that will be enough to turn them from Christ. This barrier can only be overcome by the Holy Spirit of God working to convert a sinner.

The trouble with the Bible

How I despised the Bible! One day I caught my wife reading it, and in anger I took it from her hands, threw it across the room, and ordered her never to bring a Bible into our apartment again.

Later, I had to read portions of the Bible for a term paper for a college philosophy of religion course. Failing to understand anything about it, I became so frustrated that I vowed never to touch a Bible again.

This is the trouble with the Bible – it is incomprehensible to those who do not have the Spirit of God. Paul put it this way: “The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them, because they are spiritually discerned” (1 Corinthians 2:14).  I can personally verify the truth of this verse, and have observed it in hundreds of people over the years. Many people who had consistently avoided the Bible developed a thirst for it after their conversion, and that desire for it never went away.

In our unconverted state we rebel against the Bible and what it teaches. This rebellion may take a passive or aggressive form. My own was aggressive, illustrated by my throwing a Bible across the room. Most people’s rebellion takes a passive form – they simply ignore it. Even many well-educated people do this, despite the fact that the Bible is the most influential book ever published in our culture. Whether one agrees with it or not, more copies of it are printed and sold each year than any other book. The Bible, with its wonderful and timeless stories, flowing language, and flawless grammar, transcending all other books, is regularly ignored by the literati.

Why is this so? The reason has already been expressed – the Bible is a spiritual book, and unless the Spirit of God reveals its truth, it will remain unintelligible. Furthermore, the Bible does not flatter the human spirit. The Bible calls sin sin, and it does so in no uncertain terms. It also presents a God to whom every person is responsible, since he will judge the living and the dead according to their faith in his Son, Jesus the Christ. The Bible is rejected because of its message. We react against the Bible, because we have broken God’s laws and have become corrupt.

One of the difficulties with the Bible is that it is written by real people, and their personalities and peculiar literary styles are apparent. Therefore, it does not appear to be a spiritual book at all. The Bible is the history of God, or stories about God and his people, from the creation to the prophecies about the end of the universe, told by flawed and imperfect people, although under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. The ancient people of God pieced it together over a very long period of time. It is unlike any other religious or spiritual document in existence.

I cannot prove that the Bible is the true word of God, but given enough space, I could certainly make a strong case for it. There is plenty of solid evidence that points towards that conclusion. I could write at length of prophecies fulfilled; or of forty authors over a 1500-year span, in three languages and even more cultures, from Moses to John of the Revelation, weaving the same, seamless cloth; or of countless numbers of people over the course of thousands of years whose lives have been redeemed, transformed, and rescued through the Book’s direct influence; or of the great nations and institutions whose foundation is the great Book. But none of it would be enough to prove the inspiration of the Bible objectively. It is a matter of subjective and collective faith, and when proven in this way, that proof is stronger than anything objective or empirical could ever be.

For me, the one great proof for the authenticity of the Bible is that Jesus believed the Old Testament to be the very word of God. Moreover, the New Testament is the record of Jesus, his life and ministry. Therefore, Jesus is the reason for my confidence in it all.

I trust Jesus. It is that simple. Having examined his life by reading the Gospels a hundred times or more, I find Jesus to be the very definition of integrity. In him, there is no inconsistency, no pride or selfishness, no hint of sin, vainglory, or deceit. In all his ways and words he is pure and holy. No one has ever been able to prove against him any wrongdoing. I trust the Scriptures, because I trust Jesus.

Even this argument, however, will not persuade the skeptic. The Bible will always be troublesome until the Author reveals himself to the reader.

Christian fluff

As a teenager in Los Angeles, my friends and I would spy the neon sign, “Jesus Saves,” in large, garish, yellow and red letters atop a building, and we would ask, “What does Jesus save?” and the answer would be, “Green Stamps.”

You have to be my age or older to fully appreciate this exchange, but we saw that sign as part of the Christian fluff of the time. Today, such jingoism seems to be the signature of “devout” Christians: T-shirts, baseball caps, signs in novelty shops, tattoos on Christians’ bodies – seemingly endless trite and worn-out statements that are somehow taken to be expressions of Christian piety. Fluffy, corny, mindless caricatures that distort and trivialize biblically based truth. And it galls some of us who wish that retailers would come to their senses. The stuff sells, so we have to put up with it and hold our tongues.

“Why does the devil get all the good music?” sang the Christian rocker a generation ago, and when Christians mimicked that old time rock-n-roll in order to attract youth, the result was more fluff, at least as I view most of it. And it has only gotten worse.

The impact of the junk is that it reduces Christianity to be viewed as just another craze or fad, simply another religion in the spiritual marketplace. The Scripture speaks of ultimate issues – life and death, heaven and hell – and it is not to be cast as another form of entertainment.

The self-help movement has also moved into the growing Christian fluff market, peddling sugar-coated biblical principles as a means to improve one’s life. That it surely does is not in dispute, but self-improvement misses the point of Gospel proclamation.

If I had experienced the fluff and the rock-n-roll siren song generated by the Christian community in the early 1960s when my conversion was in process, it would have been one more barrier.

The last great obstacle – sin

It is all about sin. Sinning begins with the breaking of a known law of God.  Perhaps it is lying. At first it is easy to lie, but once the wall is down, it is easier the next time and the next and the next. What was once so unnatural becomes natural and easy. Peter said a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him (2 Peter 2:19). Sin becomes a habit at some point, usually sooner rather than later, and after that it becomes an obsession. Beyond that, sinning becomes addictive. We sin more and more until finally we have to. Even when dire consequences become apparent, we cannot stop ourselves. We will behave badly for the smallest amount of pleasure. Indeed, some people are so mired in sin, depending so heavily upon some sin or another, that they are seemingly hopeless to fight the addiction. The thought of giving it up is so frightening that they will do almost anything to hold on to it. People will ruin their lives in order to avoid repentance. But worse – they will subject themselves to eternal ruin.

Sin is more often embraced than repented of. Indeed, sinful behavior will more quickly be tolerated, if not applauded, than abhorred. Yes, sin will even be championed, defended, and promoted in an effort to take the sting out of the conscience. This process is sometimes called “liberation.” Within a classical definition of the word “liberal” is the notion of breaking free from the law of God. And the question comes: Breaking free to do what? The answer is simple enough: Sin.

We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We know it, too, and that is why the word “sin” is hated above all others. Mention the word in the wrong company and a riot could ensue. Talk about sin, and hearts are hardened, teeth are set on edge, consciences are stirred, passions are enflamed, and minds are closed. Even if the word is not defined with biblical accuracy, it will still get a reaction.

Preachers have been beaten, even killed, for mentioning the word in a sermon. Holy Hubert, who was famous in the Jesus Movement and routinely preached on the steps of Sproul Hall at the University of California’s Berkeley campus, had all his front teeth knocked out, one by one, for telling the hippies they were “dirty rotten sinners.” I know, because I acted as his unofficial bodyguard on more than one occasion. How those mellow pacifists became enraged over the word sin!

Before my conversion, it irritated me to hear the preacher say that because I had not trusted in Christ to save me, I was a sinner. He said I had to turn from my sin, and he made it sound as if everything I did was sinful.

I did not consider myself a sinner at all; “no worse than the average guy” was my motto. But as the months went by, although I do not know how, I became convinced I actually was a sinner. It is only with the advantage of hindsight that I can say that it was the work of the Holy Spirit. In any case, the truth became clear to me – I stood guilty before God.

At first I tried to clean up, do better, stop that and start this – the usual effort by a sinner who does not want to turn to Christ. I would put an end to one sin but discover two more or even start up a new one.

Sin and wickedness are related. In the dark recesses of our soul, sin is enshrined. But when the light of Jesus is cast on it, then the sin is seen for the utter corruption that it is. And this realization makes us most uncomfortable. I squirmed and wriggled, rationalized and compromised, but it was to no avail. Unable to find a way out on my own, my eyes were turned to Jesus, and I knew he was my only hope. Once I saw that Jesus was the Savior, I could not be kept from him. And this is usually how it is; Jesus becomes irresistible.

Sin is mysterious and powerful, blinding and addicting, a deadly spiritual cancer.  Sin is so overwhelming that no one can overcome it. Only God can forgive, cleanse, and restore us. This great work took place on the cross where Jesus shed his blood and died in our place, taking the believer’s sin upon himself and suffering the consequences. His resurrection is proof that our sin can be forgiven.

Before my conversion to Christ, my friends and I enjoyed the “fellowship of sin.” We reinforced each other’s sinful ways, approved of our mutual transgressions, sneered at the goodie-two-shoes and righteous Christians who weren’t having any fun, and tried to convince ourselves that we were cool guys who really knew how to enjoy life. Once I came to Christ, I lost those friends who wanted to continue in this fellowship of sin. At the time I was hurt; I did not see that God was doing me a favor. The sinful fellowship was replaced by a better one, and it was God’s plan, because I would never have been able to break free on my own.

The obstacle of sin is overcome by the inward working of the Holy Spirit. This holy and interior working of God helps us to repent, even gives us a hungering and thirsting after righteousness. Paul expressed it in these words: “For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13). It will come to pass that we will gladly let sin go that we might have Jesus and his righteousness.

The real reason why I am a Christian

God himself removed the obstacles and overcame the problems. A young man, probably not unlike me, asked Jesus, “What good thing must I do to have eternal life?” (Matthew 19:16). Jesus essentially told the man that he could not do it on his own. Jesus’ disciples overheard the conversation and were greatly astonished. They asked, “Who then can be saved?” (Verse 25).

Jesus answered, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (verse 26).

Left to myself, I only had obstacle piled on top of obstacle. I could not repent; I could not believe. But I wanted to because I knew I must. In a moment, though, the obstacles were brushed aside. It was as though Jesus called me personally to himself. I wanted him. My lost condition threatened to destroy me forever, but I knew Jesus was the Savior. This truth, now clear to me, would not let me go.

Jesus seemed to stand before me calling out my name. The Savior who had borne my sin when hanging on a cross, the one who had shed his own blood to cleanse me of my sin, the one who had died and had been buried, the one who had risen from the dead and is alive for evermore – this Jesus called me to himself, and in a way I do not fully understand. And it was done right there and then.

This is why I am a Christian.

I did not want to answer this question. No good would come of it anyway. The question, an accusation really, had been slung at me like a stone intended to wound, and it came from a person who would not likely hurl a racial or ethnic epithet at anyone.

People have accused me of being a fundamentalist. I use the word accuse, which may not be a completely accurate description of the motive of every speaker, but some words sound like a negative insult in certain contexts, whether the speaker intends it as such or not. When used as a label or stereotype, it may reveal a deep-seated prejudice, even anger. 

Few today know what the word means, and most do not know the history of fundamentalism; it is therefore a word used in ignorance to diminish, demean, and defame any Christian who takes a stand for the Bible and Christ, regardless of whether he or she is a true fundamentalist. Many Christians today would not appreciate the fundamentalist label being applied to them. The truth is, I do not like it myself. However, if I look at how the original definition of fundamentalism should be understood, then I have to admit that, indeed I am one.  

The Original Definition and History 

At the beginning of the twentieth century, when anti-Christian liberalism was on the rise, especially in the universities, some American conservative Christians formulated the fundamentals of the faith in an attempt to counter the growing liberalism in the seminaries, denominational headquarters, and churches. They declared a faith in the inspiration and authority of the Scriptures, and affirmed the deity, blood atonement, bodily resurrection, and return of Jesus. Except that evangelicalism was grouped together with fundamentalism in the view of academics, there is nothing too controversial here. The points stated above are actually normal biblical views; that is, if one takes the Bible seriously at all. So why the fuss about being a fundamentalist? 

One problem was that the early fundamentalists began fighting among themselves as to who was the purest in doctrine and practice. It became quite vicious, and the squabbles spilled over into the media. Then, one group separated from another, followed by more splits, and the fabric of denominationalism was literally coming apart at the seams. 

Strong Accusations 

The liberal contingent of American Christianity even accused the fundamentalists of aiding and abetting the Axis powers during World War I because of premillennial, dispensational end-times views. These views predicted a world getting worse and worse, and when this appeared to be happening, the fundamentalist scolded, “See, I told you so.” It was certainly untrue that the fundamentalists supported America’s enemies, but bad publicity has an impact regardless.

The famous 1925 Scopes Trial, otherwise known as the “Monkey” trial, that pitted William Jennings Bryan, a Christian, against the renowned criminal lawyer, Clarence Darrow, was widely reported in the American press. The issue was whether evolution should be taught in the public schools. Bryan, an educated and gentlemanly defender of the Christian faith, and constantly defined as a fundamentalist, came off less than second best to Darrow, with the result that fundamentalism, along with all of Bible-believing Christianity, was made a laughing stock around the world. In fact, fundamentalists were often called Bryanites. Many Christians, I suspect, were scandalized by it all, and many more turned away from Christianity altogether. This legacy continues into the modern age. 

False Predictions 

But there is still more. Some fundamentalist preachers, convinced they had the correct understanding of end-time prophecies, were sure that Mussolini (then later, Hitler, and still later, Stalin) was either the beast or the Antichrist of the Book of Revelation. After the process of history demonstrated the fallacy of such predictions, the fundamentalists lost a lot of credibility. Predictions are still being made that eventually fail and thus continue to cause difficulties. 

Politics! 

The fundamentalists developed social and political agendas as well. Soon, becoming a Christian also meant adopting a particular political affiliation or outlook – almost always of a conservative persuasion. Bible-believing Christians, it was thought, voted in a particular way. Fundamentalism took on science, too, hoping to counter the growing influence of evolution. This sometimes resulted in a pseudo-science, which was often laughable. According to hard-core fundamentalists, true Christians had to consider science as an enemy of the faith. 

Some fundamentalists thundered against things like hair and clothing styles and various forms of popular entertainment, with dancing often singled out as being particularly evil. They sharply rejected the use of alcohol and tobacco, and some historians blamed them for the American Prohibition. The list goes on. 

The fundamentalists were portrayed as meddling with people’s private lives, and it did not go down well in either the media or over the back fence. Fundamentalist came to be a word applied to people who were considered narrow, bigoted, backward, uneducated, and boring. 

Accusation by Analogy 

Even in today’s parlance, religious terrorists of any stripe, color, or creed are called fundamentalists: Hindus, Muslims, even Buddhists who attack and kill other people for any reason are labeled extremists or fundamentalists. Every crazy cult that makes the news can receive the fundamentalist tag. 

Does anyone want to be called a fundamentalist? Most would say, “No!” And even the threat of being called one is enough to scare people away from churches, a desire to read the Bible or entertain a spiritual thought that might be vaguely Christian in character. People will even be embarrassed to say anything that might vaguely connect them with things Christian and biblical, while at the same time, the same stigma is not attached to Eastern, alternative, and pagan religious practices and ideas. This is an unhappy and unnecessary state of affairs. 

Survival of the Accused 

Since I am often asked if I am a fundamentalist, and since I have to deal so often with the emotional stress of facing the fundamentalist branding in face-to-face confrontations, perhaps I could pass on some of my survival techniques. 

The bottom line is: I don’t much care what I am called personally. I would like to think my inner strength is developed well enough to take the name-calling. Jesus’ strength is sufficient for me. He was accused of all sorts of things, so why should I think I would escape unthinking, unkind, even cruel accusations? People will call me strange things and think of me in ways that do not reflect who I really am – this goes with the territory on which I stand. 

I stand for the fundamentals of the faith. However, I am not necessarily going to stand behind all that has been identified as fundamentalism. For instance, I do not expect, much less demand, that society as a whole adopt social and political agendas that I embrace. I have accepted that I live in a pluralistic society, which is essentially post-Christian. By this, I mean that Christianity is rapidly becoming a minority faith, and our society is not governed by a biblical ethic. I must recognize this or I will be forever disappointed, discouraged, and angry. In addition, I am satisfied with people forming their own conclusions about how they will live their lives. Even when I see actions that I think are less than biblical, I will not react with judgment against people who are not interested in adhering to the biblical standard. But I hope, and know to some degree, that believers will grow up to the fullness of Jesus as God works his will and ways into their lives. Living in the midst of this fallen world, I know I am in it but not of it. I am careful to keep my “light” out in the open and burning as brightly as possible, so I am not going to slink away with my tail between my legs. 

Furthermore, I am careful to fight the right battles. I will even let go of some so-called important issues, because they are not central to the core gospel of Christ. 

In the right circumstances I present a history of fundamentalism to people of good will who have a genuine interest in the subject. I do not “cast pearls before swine,” yet I have found many people appreciate a new understanding of the history of fundamentalism as well as evangelical and reformed Christianity. Mainly, I am concerned that people do not close themselves off from Jesus for fear of being branded a fundamentalist. How sad that an unfounded fear, augmented with historical ignorance, should result in a person being cut off from God’s love and salvation. 

The Better Label 

What labels do fit me? I prefer simply “Christian.” But I will accept evangelical, Protestant in the Reformed tradition, conservative, and even fundamentalist if I can set the historical context. I am a Christian, because God the Father opened my eyes, my ears, and my heart to hear Jesus’ voice calling out to me. He saved me. He washed all my sin away. He gave me the gift of eternal life. His Spirit indwells me. I belong to him. He made me a part of his family, the Church, both in heaven and on earth. This is who I am. Hang whatever other label you want to on me. I know who I am.

Early troubles

A memo announcing Tryouts for the baseball teams was posted well in advance of Saturday February 26. Fifty plus convicts came to tryout and the coaches were all present armed with clip boards and pens. After warm-ups, throwing, some running, we started the basic rotation drill to watch the guys field grounders, throw, and catch. Then we gathered names for those who wanted to tryout, noting their housing, release date, and desired position.

Right away it became clear we had a problem: a little more than half of the guys who were trying out said they would be playing for the A’s. That meant they were not intending to play for the Giants, the team of which I was head coach.

The idea for a second team, the B team, the A’s, emerged late last season. Originally there was supposed to be an intramural prison league developed, but it morphed, due to my weakness and desire to please, into something more. Basically the intramural team started bragging they were better than the Giants. For some reason I allowed the two teams to play each other and even brought in two outside teams for the second team to play. Now I am paying for it.

After a series of meetings with convicts and prison staff, I agreed to run two teams for 2011. There was not enough of the old Pirates uniforms to make it work, so I wrote a letter to the major league Oakland A’s and they were gracious enough to provide a full set of really nice uniforms. This is how the second team became the A’s.

The volunteer “beige”[1] card holder who was to oversee the second group allowed the inmates to run the entirety of the operation. He did that well enough, but he had no real say in the process, including making out the lineup and other duties always assumed by the team manager.

In time I woke up to the problem and as a result brought in two old friends, Ed and Ollie, to manage the A’s team with the other coach yet working with the players. It seemed like a solution.

The first day of tryouts then my solution fizzled. The inmates were in charge.[2] Even Steve, Ed, and Ollie, the guys who were to run the B team, were left out though I tried to intervene. One particular inmate, a youngish white guy named Bobby, a good ball player, had taken control of the team. I mean solid control. He had it all mapped out, planned out, and that would be it. He had already determined who would be playing for the A’s, so the tryouts were a farce.

One of my concerns was that the team is mostly white, one black but a necessity since he is the only actual starting pitcher. Looks a little like the Aryan Brotherhood with a token black thrown in for appearances sake. That may not be entirely accurate, but the thought went through my mind.

The de-facto manager, Bobby, also had plans to start an intramural league on top of it all, which he announced to me though he knew I am supposed to be in charge of the baseball program. Actually this man is now in charge of the second team and I will have to do something to alter what he already has in place. The B team coaches, and due to no fault of their own, will either not survive the situation, but more likely, will refuse to be a part of it. These men are real baseball guys who have years of experience running baseball clubs.

With Ed and Ollie out, or marginalized at best, Steve will merely watch the proceedings and allow the inmates to run the A’s. Already there is pressure on me to allow them to have the same status as the Giants in terms of practice time and schedule. I have a decision to make. My gut tells me to withdraw now. It is nothing but a collision about to happen. If I give in, the program could easily end. The A’s, lacking strong leadership, will deteriorate into an arguing bunch of cons.

Sure someone else could run the program and I would hate to give it up much less have it taken from me. I enjoy the whole thing; it is real baseball and like others, I am fascinated with developing the system. But I resent being pushed around, maybe out, by the convicts.

Bobby, the de facto manager of the A’s informed me that those state employees in charge of education/recreation are behind him. Indeed, I found that the usual convict manipulation had been under way. This sort of thing is a constant in prison. It is often called making a “duck” out of someone. It usually begins with flattery, working hard to help a staffer, favorably comparing the person with others, then slowly, and ever so carefully asking for a favor. Granting the favor is going to be a violation of the state’s operating manual, and could also be a crime, and once committed, things are headed down a very slippery and dangerous slope. It is easy to adopt the inmate’s world view and begin to both sympathize and empathize with them. Once that is done, the inmates have a duck.

 Every year it is strife and anxiety for me. Why do I subject myself to it? Is it the adrenaline rush I get from being at the prison–which I do think I experience. Maybe it is the little bit of media attention that comes my way? Do I pride myself on my longevity as baseball coach at San Quentin? Maybe I just like being called “coach,” which is what one player told me was why I came in year after year. Could be some of all of these. Who cares, I do it and that is about it. So another year looms full of the usual potential for constant conflict and unnecessary stress–which go together to produce an unsafe environment for me physically and emotionally.

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[1] Prior to 2011 the ID card for volunteers who had earned the right to enter and move about the prison without an escort to conduct whatever it was they were doing was called a “brown card.” That was due to the card’s brown border. For some reason brown went to beige so we are stuck with beige card.

[2] Volunteers have only so much authority and we depend on the cooperation of the inmates. Without that, nothing much happens.