Introduction

How many of us think about killing ourselves? I am going to guess that the majority of the people on the planet will sometimes fall into this.

For those who do, let me just say that it is important to face it, to admit, not only to yourself but to others.

Should you be embarrassed about thinking of killing yourself?

If you do think about it, does this make you a bad person or a huge failure?

In the preparation to writing this booklet, I sent out a letter to a host of people asking their opinion about the subject of the book. Several hundred went out to alumni of our Divorce Recovery Workshop. The result was dozens of letters coming in expressing thoughts and these are categorized here. Here now is the substance of the letter I sent out.

Taking stock of your situation:

Explain in the space below how you are feeling right now.

Sum up in three sentences why you have decided to kill yourself.

Make a list of the persons who would be impacted by your suicide.

Make a List any persons you can think of who might be moved toward killing themselves after hearing of your own suicide.

Would some of these even blame themselves?

What needs to change in order for you to drop the notion of wanting to kill yourself?

What events brought you to this place?

I have placed the responses into two categories.

Some reasons why:

            a trauma

            a loss of relationship

            approach of incapacity

            depression

            discouragement

            dramatic reversal of life circumstances

            fear of a long, painful death

            Not caring anymore

            Being rejected by people I love

Some reasons why not:

            Don’t give your enemies the satisfaction

            People who love you will be hurt

            People who don’t even know you will be impacted

            There are some options you haven’t considered

Then three questions are asked, and without needing to be answered:

1.        What needs to change in order for you to drop the notion of wanting to kill yourself?

2.        Is suicide murder?

3.        Will I be condemned to hell if I kill myself?

Let me clarify some here. I have been a pastor now for 52 years, and during the earliest of these years I ran the Marin Counseling Center. (In my college years my major was psychology). I found that my work centered on encouraging counselees to talk about what they were going through. And just being able to get the inner pain out made a huge difference. And this is precisely what I am doing here.

Here is my email address, in case a reader is struggling to stay alive:

kentphilpott@comcast.net

Please include a phone # if you leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can.

The death letter

A “kite” is the usual description of a note found that bears a warning to someone in particular. I am not sure why the term “death letter” was used instead of kite. Hope I don’t find out.

I heard about it as soon as I hit the lower yard for the Giants’ practice Thursday night, April 21. The letter had been “sent” from an A’s player to a Giants player, or so it was said. Serious stuff, and if knowledge of the letter found its way into the hands of prison officials that would likely be the end of baseball at San Quentin. Imagine, an attack, whether successful or not, on a player from another player–it could easily make headlines.

            The letter was directed at a Black Giants player; it was found on the floor in PIA–prison industries where a lot of the convicts work. No one knows who sent it. Word is that the author was an A’s player. If the writer was a white player, and there are only two black players on the A’s, and neither of which would I ever suspect of doing such a thing, then we have a racial situation on top of it all, one that could spill over into the general population. Somebody could get killed.

             The player who had received the death letter approached me shortly after I reached the dugout. He was moving quickly, stuck out his hand to me, quietly told me he could not come to practice and was gone in an instant. No conversation; I merely whispered “I understand.”

It was at this point that for the third time while at the prison that I was accused of being a racist. And this directly from an A’s player. It was openly stated and prompted a meeting with the acting head of education. I guess the charge would really have to be reverse racism since at least half of the Giants are Black while the A’s are almost completely white. I may have inadvertently earned the derogatory designation when, after reviewing the A’s roster, I commented that the A’s looked like the Aryan Brotherhood Baseball Team. That was a mistake on my part.

            Not sure now where to go with this. Maybe it will go away. Maybe the players will take care of it themselves. One thing though, I will have to be paying close attention.

            Perhaps unrelated, but I had to have a player on the A’s removed from the field sometime after the death letter incident came to my attention. He is one of the poison types from last year who the coaches did not want on the Giants. Now an A’s player he cannot accept that his team is the “B” team. And I understand that too since I managed the B team twice in my tenure at the prison. It was of my own choosing, yet, being the second, not as good team, carried with it a kind of stigma. Ego-wise then, second, not as good, the B team; you wanted to be on the A team on opening day; yes I understood that it was enough to be a convicted felon locked up for pretty close to life without also being on the B team.

            To come back with, “Well, it is a privilege to ball baseball at all while you are in prison for murder” Is true enough, but pride and self-esteem are at stake and convicts will struggle mightily to find some for themselves.

            The man was escorted off the yard with a few hundred convicts watching. And everyone knew, or would know, that I had requested it. It is a rare and unusual thing to do and I have done in only one other time and that time was to prevent a fight from breaking out between two players during a practice session. The convict would either be proud or embarrassed at being lead back to his cell; I learned later he was embarrassed.

            Death letter–might I be the subject of one of these, or worse yet, no warning at all. How deep will feelings go? Some convicts with long sentences lose hope and spending their rest of their lives cut off from the general prison population is not much of a deterrent. Desperation and blind rage–these are not uncommon emotions in a prison. This particular man–something other than brotherly love has been driving him ever since I have known him. How desperate is he, how angry is he, and I would be the perfect target. Everybody has got to have someone to blame; someone to hang the dark feelings on; someone to sick the demons on. Hate and rage find outlets on inanimate and not even symbolic objects. I had better stop thinking about it.

Setting the rosters

The Giant’s roster is for the most part the veterans returned from 2010 except for Terry Burton who thought he might not make the team so went with the A’s.

Terry, very helpful with both teams in terms of helping with the field, the equipment, and gathering the information needed to create the memos allowing the players to be released early for practice and games.[1] In his early fifties now, can still play the game, pitch, play first, and any outfield position. While playing right field I have seen him throw out more than one man who thought his hit to right meant a single. We are friends and we treat each other with respect.

A couple of new guys on the team, one is Frank Braby. Tall left hander, young, played college ball in the south bay, red headed, and a real pitcher. Must throw in the low to mid eighties and is a real vacuum in center. Will be perhaps out best hitter and fastest runner, faster than Mike Tyler or Charles Lyons. Quiet, unassuming, not sure what brought him to prison, but he is in H Unit so not a lifer. Probably something to do with dope, possession, dealing, something like not–but no violence or sex related crime, I think.

Matt White is back, pitcher, third base, good swing–well instructed and you can tell he has played a lot of baseball. He disappeared mid-way in the 2010 season: he wanted to go back to court and get any outstanding issues taken care of. He had been due to be released around September of 2010, but as a result of facing up to legal troubles, he will be with us for at least the whole of the 2011 season. Matt must be in his late thirties, and has lost about twenty pounds and looks to be in good shape. Not sure who will be the ace of the team, he, Frank, Kevin, or Mario. Four starters–what a problem to have. One or maybe two will have to pitch in relief. Love to have a Brian Wilson type closer.

Our coaching staff is back in tact–Kevin, Elliot, Mike, and of course, Stan, and Stan is no coach. He is the enforcer, the guy who settles problems, cuts the hard deals. Mid to late seventies now, Stan was a cop for 25 years in San Francisco and ran security for Bill Graham Presents, the rock and roll impresario, for another 15 years. Stan roams the lower yard, talking to cons, and getting the job done. He often asks me if there are any problems needing to be taken care of, I tell him, and done.  I don’t know how he does it; he has no power, no authority except moral authority.

Stan and I met at a gym in San Rafael at least twenty years ago and became good friends. He has worked on my little television show, The Bible Study, for more than twenty years now. It is not an exaggeration when I say I would never have lasted at the prison all these years without Stan looking out for me.

Our inmate coaches are Frankie Smith, Douglas (have not learned his last name yet), and Curtis Roberts. Curtis, a three striker, all non-violent crimes, wants to focus on cleaning up the goose crap before games and practices. Geese, great big fat geese, Canadian geese, make the outfield a real mine field. It is illegal to chase them or molest them in any way. Years ago I heard a story about an Asian convict who grabbed one, wrung its neck, stuffed it inside his prison issue blue coat, then defeathered it, cleaned it, and fried it in a container of oil of some kind. Story is it took him months to build the cooker, collect the oil, and figure out a way to run a wire from his cells light socket to the cooker–and presto, cooked goose. Sadly, as I understand it, he never got a bite down as the smell of the cooking goose wafted down to the cops at the desk in North Block. I think it was a three month stretch in the hole was all the reward he got. Whenever I see those damned geese crapping all over our field I think of that guy who only wanted to taste something good he had made. I would have rewarded him for ingenuity if nothing else.

A’s, now run by Ed, Ollie, and Steve, looks like will be a good team, a B team, but a good team. We are going to start and end our season playing the A’s. The tension is already building and yesterday evening we had a scrimmage and it was intense. I umpired from behind the pitcher’s mound and I had to be very careful with my calls.

The A’s, the rebels or the no name team of last year, have earned respect from the way they have approached the situation this year. The cancer types are quiet and the big trouble maker has been cut, and I did not have to have a thing to do with it. The whole thing is the guys just want to play baseball and they felt they had to muscle me to get it done. And the way I acted last year only feed their concerns. Now it appears that we are going to be able to cooperate and enjoy some baseball. Who knows what will happen down the road though.

Kevin and I settled on seventeen players per team with three inmate coaches per team. That means I have to bring in twenty Giants and A’s uniforms, plus all the rest of the equipment. Baseball is not a cheap sport to operate at all anymore. When I was a kid growing up in Los Angeles not much money was involved. Not so now. To play the game with all the right stuff, jersey, pants, cleats, gloves, socks, belts, undershirts, caps, you are looking at around $250 per player. Then bats, catcher’s gear, batting helmets, and baseballs–around another $500. Baseballs, we will go through $180 worth a week; two teams, three games a week, require a dozen balls a game and a dozen balls will cost $60. Maybe a little less if we are able to retrieve the balls that go over the wall into industry, but over the course of sixteen weeks–several thousand dollars worth of baseballs will be needed. There are other costs as well: batting gloves, cups and jock straps (the guys do hope they will one day get out), and other stuff that goes with the game like donuts for the bats, pine tar, even a resin bag for the pitcher. It goes on. What happens is the coaches–we come up with stuff and the outside teams may help out in various ways but that cannot be discussed here.

Bobby, the player who lobbied for a second team real hard last year and boasted he was going to start another team and was in a sense squaring off against me, is still very much a presence, but we have learned to get along and a little more–not friends exactly but cooperative colleagues. Found out, from him directly, he has been in prison for fourteen years, and is only thirty-two years old. He has at least eleven more years to do. A lifer we say, felony murder rule, and he was not the shooter. Not sure of all the details but I would guess the usual: dope, gang, young, stupid, stoned, and wanting to show he was a tough guy. In a moment life changes and irreversibly. An old story.

[1] A change from 2010, the players will no longer be released early as always in years past. Perhaps this is the influence of the new warden, but probably comes from the new captain overseeing North Block. It means that the players are not ready to come down to the lower yard until 5:30pm and thus our games will not begin until about 6:30pm. Games must stop at 7:45pm–maybe allowing for 4 innings.

Am I a Christian?” Since no certificate of authentication
comes to us from the hand of God upon conversion,
the answer to this critical question must ultimately be
an experience of faith.
It is one thing to claim salvation, as though one could, but
it is quite another to know one has been claimed. However,
we can have clear indications that we are. It is much like the
evidence that proves we are human beings. Humans look
like, act like, and think like homosapiens and not like other
species. Jesus’ characterization of conversion as a spiritual
new birth was neither random nor careless; it was a deliber-
ate analogy. As there are traits associated with humanness,
so too are there traits associated with being a born-again
Christian. It is on the basis of the presence of these spiritual
traits that we can know by faith that we are indeed Chris-
tians.
The rest of this essay is divided into two sections. The
first section concerns those experiences that normally come
before conversion, and the second section outlines those
experiences that normally, but not always, come after conver-
sion. These are set in a particular order in terms of spiritual
experiences, but this should not be relied upon. Experiences
will, of course, differ to some degree from person to person.
In addition, one should not be too particular in matching his
or her experience with those given here. Since each person
is different, considerable variation can be expected in how
the Holy Spirit works with the individual. However, there is
a common core of spiritual experiences that come to most
people.
The following points have either been experienced by
me, someone I know, or someone I have read about.
Before Conversion, there may be. . .
• A sense of meaninglessness or purposelessness. Some
have described it as a spiritual or emotional restlessness.
It may be intense and last for a long period of time. Or, it
may be mild and of short duration, but all the while life
seems somewhat disjointed and uneasy.
• A desire that the grave is not the end of life. Some have
had a sense of anger that life could be so short and harsh.
“There must be more than this” expresses the hope for
life after death. This is not so much a fear of death as it is
a love of life.
• A sense that there will be a judgment. This was my experience,
and I could not account for it.
• A sense of being lost and alone, abandoned and orphaned.
This most unpleasant feeling troubles us persistently and
will not let us go.
• Anger and confusion, even anxiety, at being so vulnerable
and out of control. Friends might suggest therapy at such
a time, but if the advice is followed, it provides no real
relief.
• A sense of unworthiness, of having done wrong, of feeling
guilty, even of being ashamed. This sense of ourselves
persists even though we affirm philosophies that are rel
ativistic and have no moral content.
• A sharp, even painful realization of having broken God’s
holy laws and thus standing condemned before him. This
is a major step beyond the previous experience. Here
there is a clear and unmistakable recognition that God is
real and that we are lawbreakers.
• A sense of being spiritually naked, wretched, and miserable.
This, again, is a step beyond the previous experience
and is most uncomfortable. It is somewhat rare in
the conversion experiences I have read, but not absent
completely, as the testimonies of George Whitefield and
John Bunyan reveal.
• Perhaps a period of trying to be self-righteous. We
attempt to strike a balance between sins and good
actions. Performing good deeds produces a temporary
sense of well-being, which is followed by failures that
produce a sense of personal disgust.
• A goal to be a “good person.” There may be sensitivity,
almost of a paranoid nature, that others, particularly
Christians, are judging us and thinking we are not good
people.
• Serious attempts at severe religiosity, even involving
material self-denial. This is rare but not unheard of.
• Giving up on the attempt to become acceptable to God.
Some resign themselves to a hopeless condition and fear
they will never be good enough to receive forgiveness.
• A sense, sometimes accompanied by an inner desperation,
of having a hardened heart and a callous mind. Some
may even feel out of touch with reality.
• Efforts to understand the Bible and actually get to the
bottom of what Christianity is all about.
• An interest in Jesus beginning to take form. Out of fear
of being ridiculed, we keep this interest a secret. Some,
however, are aggressive in their seeking and don’t care
who knows or what they think.
• An exposure, in some manner or another, to the gospel. It
may be via hearing preaching, a personal conversation, a
book or other printed material, a song, a radio or television
preacher, a film, even a conversation overheard at a
coffee shop.
• Now, the Holy Spirit drawing or calling us to Christ. Little
else matters now. Only two things are clear: our own sinfulness
and the forgiveness that is in Jesus.
• A sense that Jesus himself is calling out to us.
• The hearing of his voice and knowing that nothing can
keep us from him.
• Now the extreme irresistibility of Jesus as he calls us to
himself.
At this point, conversion (the new birth) occurs. We do
not know how or what or why, but there is newness. It may
happen quietly or with great emotion or something in-between.
After Conversion
• Some are immediately joyful and have a sense of being
at rest.
• Some feel as though a great burden has been lifted from
their shoulders.
• Some feel nothing at all.
• Some, like I was, are confused initially. Yet the inner spiritual
conflict has ended.
• Some are fearful as to what the change in them will bring.
I was worried that I would lose friends. My mother’s reaction
was a major concern, as I knew she was antagonistic
towards Christianity.
• Some will experience rejection from family and friends.
• Some will have a great desire, which is very unusual for
them, to read the Bible. This was certainly true for me, as
I could not find enough time to read it.
• Some will want to be with other Christians, even attend
church and worship. At first, the newness and strangeness
associated with worship and hymn singing may be
uncomfortable, but the “baby” Christian knows where he
will be nurtured.
• Some will be drawn to prayer and will spend long periods
praying to God. The sudden realization that God is
real, that he loves and cares for us, that there is an actual
reason for existence is quite overwhelming, and we love
to fellowship with God.
• Some will, and usually fearfully, attempt to tell others
what happened to them.
• Some will decide to keep it all a secret, especially after
they are rebuffed by significant people in their lives due
to their testimony.
• Some will want to join a Bible study to learn all they possible
can about Jesus and the Bible. Though everything
that is said and taught is not quickly understood, there
will be persistence in “growing in the Word.”
• There may be an initial period of euphoria, but this will
end and things will seem, emotionally speaking, much as
they were before the conversion.
• Sin may become an issue. Some will have the sense that
they are hopeless sinners, some will be mad that so much
of their life was sin-oriented, and some will think they
are not good enough to be Christians. This last one was
true of me. Not understanding that sanctification was
a lifelong process and that I had already been declared
righteous in Christ, I seriously thought about dropping
out altogether.
• Some will end one sin only to find another one to deal
with. Occasionally a new Christian will feel hopeless,
only to discover that they are not righteous at all and that
only Jesus is.
• There is a continuing desire to turn away from sin.
• Identifying with Jesus and other Christians, even when it
means censor or rejection from others, comes to characterize
us. For me, this meant ostracism from some friends
and co-workers.
• There is a desire for water baptism.
• There is a desire to receive the Lord’s Supper.
• There is a desire to be of service and to be faithful with
material possessions. I experienced this about six months
after my conversion. At first, I sang in the choir and put
just a minimal amount into the offering plate. Before
long, I was teaching a junior high Sunday school class and
tithing my money.
• A desire to please and honor God. This becomes a continuing
desire and lifelong expression of our love for God.
• A continuing sense of our own unworthiness.
• A continuing dependency on Jesus and his righteousness.
• A delight in hearing the gospel preached; hearing a good
sermon becomes more important than going to a sporting
or musical event.
• Sunday becomes a special day for worship, ministry, and
rest.
• We feel constrained to give up a “habit” that we have
come to believe is not pleasing to God.
• Being faithful with money even when funds are running
short.
• Appreciation for and love of hymn lyrics such as:
“Amazing grace! How sweet the sound that saved a
wretch like me!”
“There is a fountain filled with blood”
“My Jesus, I love Thee”
“For Thee all the follies of sin I resign”
“Tell me the story of Jesus, Write on my heart every
word”
“Fairest Lord Jesus! Thee will I honor, Thou, my
soul’s Glory, Joy, and Crown!”
“O for a thousand tongues to sing my great Redeemer’s
praise.”
“Jesus, the very thought of Thee with sweetness fills
my breast.”
“My richest gain I count but loss, and pour contempt
on all my pride.”
“So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross.”
“Would He devote that sacred head for such a worm
as I”
(It would have been impossible for me to sing words
such as these before my conversion; and, it took a while to
get used to them, but once I did, I loved them).
• A determination to follow Jesus despite doubts. A settled
and fixed theology does not come with conversion. Early
on I thought everything I heard from the pulpit and from
my new Christian friends was absolute truth. Later, I had
to make each and every point of doctrine my own. This is
not easily or quickly done.
• If a major failure occurs, even a moral scandal, the person
of faith will still, eventually, continue to trust in Jesus.
I have had my problems, but by God’s grace he did not
abandon me or correct me so harshly that I gave up on
myself.
• Even in the midst of mental, theological, and emotional
confusion there is a determination to love and follow
Jesus, though we should be cast into hell. I noticed that
some of the English and American Puritans spoke like
this and it took me some time to understand that they
were expressing their fallibility while upholding God’s
sovereignty.
• A desire that our life should glorify God.
• A desire that our death should glorify God.
• A desire that at the judgment of Christ we would hear
him say to us, “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter
into the joy of your rest.”

The Quarantine

March 19, 2011

A quarantine due to an outbreak of chicken pox in North Block has wiped out the practices until the 28th of March. On March 5th the quarantine went into effect. The Giants had gotten the roster down to 19 players meaning two more needed to be cut. The A’s tryout day was cancelled, which had been the 5th, but they mostly know who will be on the team anyway.

            Funny how the state built a multi-million dollar hospital, which overlooks the baseball field, but those sick with the chicken pox were not moved into it. Instead, the sick convicts were left in the block to infect others, I mean, talk about close quarters. Naturally, the disease spread to more inmates until the quarantine was extended to April 16, or beyond, who knows, so we moved opening day to May 7. Of course, the guys cannot practice, or exercise at all. Our pitchers, who had been throwing regularly and getting in baseball shape, will have to start over, somehow, and in their tiny, cramped cells.

I have not scheduled any April games for the A’s since I am not completely satisfied it will come off yet.[1] But, my memo worked.[2] The educational/recreational staff had no difficulty in backing me and the program we were hoping for. Steve, who was that coach I had been talking about, the one who allowed the inmates to run the team, he and I are okay now, but with some issues undecided. Waiting now to see if Bobby and the others will actually yield control of the team. Convicts simply should not run the team, though they had been able to do a fairly good job of it. Last year’s intramural team that morphed into the B team–the cons ran it. I have done what I could to see that Ed, Ollie, and Steve take charge but it remains to be seen.

As I mentioned previously, the A’s guys hate the idea of being a B team, but they are. The top players are Giants. A new guy, Frank, young, lefty, throws hard and is accomplished. He arrived at the prison just days before the tryouts, and both teams wanted him. After some considerable politicking, he went with the Giants. Now we will have four good starters, Kevin Driscoll, who I want to pitch on opening day, Matt White, Frank Braby, and he may be a real phenom, and Mario Ellis. Frank also plays center, looks great at the plate, so we have to have his bat in all the time.

Chris Marshall, last year’s center fielder, I had to inform that we would ask him to move to left field. He really didn’t like it and let me know he didn’t. Later he came back and said he would do it if it would help the team.

Chris comes from a rock solid family in Long Beach. He talks about his parents a great deal. He feels so bad that he has let the family down, the black sheep he calls himself, and he is Black. Drugs got the better of him and twice since this is the second time he has been in prison. He plays hard and is quite emotional. He gets on himself and a bit much, if he makes an error. One thing I know is that Chris has my back in the prison and he is nobody to fool with.

Some of the guys are getting older and slower. James at 2nd, Red at 1st, Duck, in left last year, Bilal, in right last year–younger guys are waiting to take their places. I can see the anxiety in their faces, the uncertainty. Terry Burton, a bench player mostly the last few years, moving into his mid-fifties, the grey hair appearing more obviously now, may be the smartest player on the team in a long while, has opted to play for the A’s where he figures he will get more playing time. We talked about it and I supported his decision.

We miss Chris Rich, now in the Duelle Institute, or DVI, in Tracey, CA. I have approval now to visit him and I hope to do so soon. Johnny, last year’s team captain and our catcher, is ready again. He is counted an Hispanic, but he lacks any of the physical characteristics of that ethnic group. He has the tattoos, speech, and body language of the proto-typical convict. I have found him to be a reliable man, one I can depend on. When I need information, and so on, I go to Johnny to talk. He has the best interests of the program at heart and gets the job done.

Johnny is a lifer. I never asked him what his crime was and he never volunteered it either. Chris Rich, whom I consider a friend even though volunteers are not supposed to develop such “familiarity” with a convict, was always the guy I depended on to talk real with and receive accurate information about the state of things with the players. Now it is Johnny, and he is easy to reach since he works in the garden area, with Frankie, our first base coach, just inside the main entrance to the prison. We have had a number of conversations in that spot, with Johnny leaning on a rake or a shove.

No wooden bats this year–they have splintered into what looks like weapon stock so only metal this year, none of which can be kept in the prison. The coaches have to bring in the bats and only three. Inventory control is tight now and there is another new warden who will want to make it look like he is doing the job so more rules are likely on the way.

The racial makeup this year–a little less Black, little more white, and enough players housed in North Block so that if H Unit gets locked down we can still play a game.

No real troubled guys on the Giants team for 2011, at least as it appears right now. Bad chemistry on the bench is the worst and this year I am committed to dealing with it at once.

We could have a sixty game schedule, forty for the Giants and twenty for the A’s. I wanted to prevent any of the baseball players from playing on the softball team, but the A’s players, those likely to make that team, protested strongly since they are also the softball players. I relented but then halved their schedule. In the long run then both teams would play approximately the same number of games and with 25% fewer teams to bring in, my load would be lighter. I was afraid of the reaction however, when I let this out during the second day of the tryouts. Strangely, I did not get any static about it. We will see, but I have got the scheduling locked down under my authority and it would be virtually impossible to alter that.

It was necessary to ordered 20 A’s caps, belts, and socks from T & B Sports in San Rafael owned by the Brusati brothers, Jeff and Mike. They give me a good discount. The Oakland A’s gave us uniforms, jerseys and pants, really nice stuff, big league stuff, but we needed to supply the rest of the uniform. We want our guys looking sharp.

And the Giants have new stuff, too. Mike Murphy, long time equipment manager for the San Francisco, World Champion Giants, sent a bunch of stuff over, which I have yet to see. Mainly I need baseballs. Without the Giant’s giving us their used game balls, the whole program would not be played the same way it is now.

Here we are, a big time prison, San Quentin, real convicts, who need to be there and safely locked up, wearing the most expensive big league uniforms, running around on the nice green grass, playing a game and getting a lot of attention for it as well. All at no cost to the tax payer I might add.

            Right or wrong? Good or bad? Fair or foul? I don’t deal with these questions anymore. I just do it.

[1] Nearly all the Giants schedule is set now except for five games in August. Since outside teams know the A’s are the “B” team, it is proving difficult to fill up their twenty game schedule. But it will happen because there will be teams who will badly want to come in even if they have to play the B team.

[2] The memo’s success was short lived as the whole mess had to be dragged once again into meetings with the education/recreaction brass. By opening day, May 7, many key issues remain unresolved.

This title is taken from the “big book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, chapter 5, which is sometimes read at their meetings. It explains the basics of the famous “12 Step Program,” and because of its simplicity and clarity, it is helpful to new members in particular. Similarly, this chapter intends to express with some simplicity and hopefully some clarity how the Christian life works. It is a Mystery How the Christian life works is a mystery. This admission may seem to compromise the goal of simplicity and clarity, even bring it into question altogether, but it must be stated, since it is the truth. How a person, from a human perspective, becomes a Christian in the first place is not easily explained nor completely understood by anyone. The Bible is not laid out in a doctrinally systematic format; rather, we find small portions of hundreds of doctrinal points scattered through- out. But when the key points on salvation are put together, it becomes plain that conversion – the new birth, becoming a Christian, being saved (all synonymous terms) – describe a work that God actually does – spiritually, within, for, and to a person. 

Salvation is the one great concern and is therefore the focus of the testimony of both Scripture and Christian doctrine, regardless of denomination. Separated as we are from God, due to sin, only judgment and eternal death await the unconverted. This is the greatest of losses, and God in his love reaches out to us in Christ. 

The Outline 

The following outline is comprised of two points: salvation and sanctification. It is necessary to use such words; we must not be afraid of them, for they contain the essence of how it works. 

Salvation means conversion, or how it is that a person is saved or born again. It encompasses repentance and faith. Sanctification describes the spiritual growing up or spiritual maturation of a Christian. This is analogous to the physical birth of a human being and the natural process of growing into physical maturity. 

1. Salvation 

Before anyone is ever converted, he will hear, or somehow become acquainted with, the basic tenets of the gospel of Jesus Christ, which involve the crucifixion, death, burial and resurrection of Jesus. The gospel message may be communicated through a book, a film, or a personal conversation, but it is usually communicated through preaching. This is clearly depicted in Romans 10:17: “So faith comes from what is heard, and what is heard comes by the preaching of Christ” (RSV). 

Faith is a gift from God. “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). No one has faith apart from it being given by the Holy Spirit. This much is clear. No one can repent unless sin 

is seen for what it is, and it is the Holy Spirit who reveals this truth. No one has the capacity to repent and believe apart from the influence of God. This is what is meant by grace – God makes it possible to repent and believe, since no one can do it alone or on their own. 

It is God’s Holy Spirit who reveals to a person that he has sinned against God, who produces a desire to turn from that sin, and then reveals Jesus to be the Savior who is able and willing to forgive all sin. Then the great mystery of conversion occurs. In a way we do not fully understand, a person is “born again.” Salvation is completely a work of God. It does not result from a person’s good deeds. 

Someone might ask at this juncture, “What can I do?” A jailer in the ancient city of Philippi asked this very question of the apostle Paul. The response was, “Believe in the Lord Jesus” (Acts 16:31). The jailer believed right there and then. How did he do it? Well, we are not told exactly how, except that it was by the power of God. 

So, then, how can you believe in Jesus? You will believe only by the influence of God’s Holy Spirit, which begins with the Spirit of God creating in you the desire to believe in Jesus, just as he did with the Philippian jailer. To go beyond this is to go beyond Scripture itself. The invitation is to repent of your sin and believe in Jesus. Anyone can do this, since the Bible says that whosoever will may come to him. I will add, “Look to Jesus and be saved.” 

2. Sanctification 

Sanctification means to be set aside by God as his own and for his service, and it begins right at the moment of conversion. In fact, each Christian is thoroughly sanctified or made holy by God at the instant of his conversion. This is why Christians are called “saints,” a term derived from the word “sanctified.” A Christian is a saint and is holy, or sanctified, not because of anything the Christian has done, but solely

because of what God has done. God has both placed within every Christian the righteousness of Jesus, and the Christian into Jesus, who is holy and without any blemish or sin. This is not an easy concept to grasp, but it is thoroughly biblical. 

Although the Christian is sanctified and is considered completely holy by God, he still continues to sin. This is indeed paradoxical, but again, it is what the Scripture teaches. This has been the experience of Christians right from the beginning. We have been born anew by the Spirit of God, and we have been given the gift of eternal life, yet we find ourselves sinning. 

Not that the Christian is to continue in sin as a way of life. No, we are to turn away from sin and seek to honor and please God. But there is within us the mystery of sin, something incredibly powerful that will sometimes gain certain victories over us. Nevertheless, despite our sin, the sureness of our salvation is never in question. Our salvation depends on what God has done in Christ and not upon our ability or strength to refrain from sinning. 

Sanctification is a process that continues throughout our lifetime. We go forward little by little; sometimes we even seem to be going backwards. Paul put it this way: “…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Philippians 2:12-13). Paul urges the Christian to “work out your own salvation” while at the same time asserting that God is at work in the life of the Christian to do that very thing. It is a paradox. We cling to both of these truths simultaneously. 

Assurance and Peace 

In reality, it works as we trust in Jesus. This is it in a nutshell; but everything is centered on the fact that Jesus has secured our salvation and sanctification.

Jesus is the source of our assurance and peace. We have eternal life right now, and God is continually working with us, bringing us to maturity in Christ

The Memo[1]

Our coaches are in agreement–to begin again with the team selection process.

Either of the following two approaches is acceptable for the 2011 season.

1. Work off the present arrangement with the players for the Giants to be selected by the Giant’s coaches, and to disregard the players selected for the A’s team which was done by the inmates, and the A’s coaches select the players for that team.

OR

2. Have a draft wherein all the potential players are put into a pool and the coaches select the teams, 17 players for each team plus 3 inmate coaches.

This last concept we intend to put into place for 2012, the draft from a pool of players where the coaches select the players.[2]

Our consensus is that under the present situation where the inmates are allowed to determine the makeup of the team–this is unacceptable and undermines the entire coaching concept.

From my perspective, and to prevent more grumbling, the first option might be better. I am however willing to go with either. My concern is twofold: one, preserve the fine coaching staff we have in place right now. Two, avoid situations that might jeopardize the sports program in toto. As I observe things, with twenty-nine years at the prison and sixteen as the baseball coach, we have a potential disaster on our hands with the inmates in charge. Some of them may respond that they have their coach, but it is a coach who deliberately lets the inmates run the program. This is dangerous, especially if this particular coach is allowed to set his own agenda and begin bringing in his own teams and cross scheduling games.

Kent Philpott

March 1, 2011

[1] This is the exact memo I executed for the prison staff that oversees the education/recreation programs.

[2] Our Giant’s coaches have since rejected the pool-draft concept for the 2012 season.

A memo announcing Tryouts for the baseball teams was posted well in advance of Saturday February 26. Fifty plus convicts came to tryout and the coaches were all present armed with clip boards and pens. After warm-ups, throwing, some running, we started the basic rotation drill to watch the guys field grounders, throw, and catch. Then we gathered names for those who wanted to tryout, noting their housing, release date, and desired position.

Right away it became clear we had a problem: a little more than half of the guys who were trying out said they would be playing for the A’s. That meant they were not intending to play for the Giants, the team of which I was head coach.

The idea for a second team, the B team, the A’s, emerged late last season. Originally there was supposed to be an intramural prison league developed, but it morphed, due to my weakness and desire to please, into something more. Basically the intramural team started bragging they were better than the Giants. For some reason I allowed the two teams to play each other and even brought in two outside teams for the second team to play. Now I am paying for it.

After a series of meetings with convicts and prison staff, I agreed to run two teams for 2011. There was not enough of the old Pirates uniforms to make it work, so I wrote a letter to the major league Oakland A’s and they were gracious enough to provide a full set of really nice uniforms. This is how the second team became the A’s.

The volunteer “beige”[1] card holder who was to oversee the second group allowed the inmates to run the entirety of the operation. He did that well enough, but he had no real say in the process, including making out the lineup and other duties always assumed by the team manager.

In time I woke up to the problem and as a result brought in two old friends, Ed and Ollie, to manage the A’s team with the other coach yet working with the players. It seemed like a solution.

The first day of tryouts then my solution fizzled. The inmates were in charge.[2] Even Steve, Ed, and Ollie, the guys who were to run the B team, were left out though I tried to intervene. One particular inmate, a youngish white guy named Bobby, a good ball player, had taken control of the team. I mean solid control. He had it all mapped out, planned out, and that would be it. He had already determined who would be playing for the A’s, so the tryouts were a farce.

One of my concerns was that the team is mostly white, one black but a necessity since he is the only actual starting pitcher. Looks a little like the Aryan Brotherhood with a token black thrown in for appearances sake. That may not be entirely accurate, but the thought went through my mind.

The de-facto manager, Bobby, also had plans to start an intramural league on top of it all, which he announced to me though he knew I am supposed to be in charge of the baseball program. Actually this man is now in charge of the second team and I will have to do something to alter what he already has in place. The B team coaches, and due to no fault of their own, will either not survive the situation, but more likely, will refuse to be a part of it. These men are real baseball guys who have years of experience running baseball clubs.

With Ed and Ollie out, or marginalized at best, Steve will merely watch the proceedings and allow the inmates to run the A’s. Already there is pressure on me to allow them to have the same status as the Giants in terms of practice time and schedule. I have a decision to make. My gut tells me to withdraw now. It is nothing but a collision about to happen. If I give in, the program could easily end. The A’s, lacking strong leadership, will deteriorate into an arguing bunch of cons.

Sure someone else could run the program and I would hate to give it up much less have it taken from me. I enjoy the whole thing; it is real baseball and like others, I am fascinated with developing the system. But I resent being pushed around, maybe out, by the convicts.

Bobby, the de facto manager of the A’s informed me that those state employees in charge of education/recreation are behind him. Indeed, I found that the usual convict manipulation had been under way. This sort of thing is a constant in prison. It is often called making a “duck” out of someone. It usually begins with flattery, working hard to help a staffer, favorably comparing the person with others, then slowly, and ever so carefully asking for a favor. Granting the favor is going to be a violation of the state’s operating manual, and could also be a crime, and once committed, things are headed down a very slippery and dangerous slope. It is easy to adopt the inmate’s world view and begin to both sympathize and empathize with them. Once that is done, the inmates have a duck.

 Every year it is strife and anxiety for me. Why do I subject myself to it? Is it the adrenaline rush I get from being at the prison–which I do think I experience. Maybe it is the little bit of media attention that comes my way? Do I pride myself on my longevity as baseball coach at San Quentin? Maybe I just like being called “coach,” which is what one player told me was why I came in year after year. Could be some of all of these. Who cares, I do it and that is about it. So another year looms full of the usual potential for constant conflict and unnecessary stress–which go together to produce an unsafe environment for me physically and emotionally.

[1] Prior to 2011 the ID card for volunteers who had earned the right to enter and move about the prison without an escort to conduct whatever it was they were doing was called a “brown card.” That was due to the card’s brown border. For some reason brown went to beige so we are stuck with beige card.

[2] Volunteers have only so much authority and we depend on the cooperation of the inmates. Without that, nothing much happens.

How did it happen, Francisco, that you gave up?” I asked. 

“I just don’t care anymore. What difference does it make anyway? As hard as I try, I keep ending up back here in prison.” 

A familiar theme

Though I may hear this equally from a John Smith, a Hector Lopez, a Tyrone Jackson, or a Jack Ten Eagles on my visits to San Quentin Prison, it is the cry of despair and resignation. Emanating often from a giant reservoir of anger, directed towards both society and self, it is an attitude that surely condemns a person to a life of pain.

I am acquainted with it myself. After my divorce in which I lost everything – my family, my job, my home, even my car – I felt as if I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. It was as if I had entered a black hole. For two solid years I walked around depressed and behaved as though it didn’t matter if I lived or died. I am convinced that if the God of the twenty-third Psalm had not walked with me during that time, I would have indeed died, if not literally, then in every other way. But even during the darkest days, I knew I belonged to Jesus and that he belonged to me. In a way I do not understand, he lifted me up out of the “slimy pit, out of the mud and mire,” and set my feet, once again, on the solid rock. So, at the prison, I feel as though I am a beggar telling another beggar that there is hope. 

How does it happen? 

Sin is mysterious and powerful, and it is something that dwells in us all. Sin separates us from God, and it separates us from others and even ourselves. We end up alone. Even within a loving family we are alone, trapped deep inside ourselves. If we follow our rebellious nature and are not reigned in or rescued by circumstances – family, friends, the law, the school, the church, and so on – the sin will work like a cancer in us, destroying us a little bit at a time. After a while, all can be lost, every dream dashed to pieces, and we don’t care anymore. Into the dark cloud we go, and our blindness overwhelms us. 

Of course, this does not happen to us all like it did to Francisco, or even to me; most of us do not get to the very bottom. But we may all approach it. Some days simply go wrong. Bad day may be added to bad week and then joined to awful months. It may be illness, financial disaster, extreme family troubles, rejections, losses, major discouragements – with little light at the end of the tunnel. And if there is no strong foundation like there was for me, well, anything might happen. 

Never give up! 

Forgiveness of sin is a wonderful thing. Knowing that God is real and that he cares for us is a powerful realization. The fact that this world is not our ultimate home brings us great hope and joy. Jesus went to the very end of all things for us, dying in our place. He took the worst there is and did itfor us. However bad it gets, Jesus can rescue us and He does it regularly and consistently. To the Franciscos in the dark cloud, I can confidently assure them that, although they have given up on themselves, Jesus has not. He is like that Father who sees his runaway son coming back home and hurries to embrace him; or like the Good Shepherd who walks the dreaded places searching for the lost and wounded sheep. He never gives up, so even if you don’t care anymore, you must never give up either.

The 2011 Baseball Season at San Quentin Prison

By Kent Philpott

Introduction

Baseball at the prison began under Chaplain Earl Smith in 1995. At that point I was doing cell-to-cell ministry out of the Protestant Chapel, and this for 13.5 years. Our chaplain was Earl Smith. He knew that I was a baseball guy, and he asked me to help with the team, the Pirates then, as he had to undergo medical treatment.

It did not take me long to agree and I reached out to Dan Jones, a long time baseball guy, part of our Miller Avenue Baptist Church in Mill Vally, CA., to join with me.

The 1997 season went well, and Dan and I looked forward to a second year as Chaplain Smith was not ready to return. Dan and I did this for four years, but Dan came down with an illness that prevented him from continuing into year five.

It was my job to contact outside teams and invite them to come in for games, these on Saturdays, and soon to expand to a second weekly game, on Thursdays. Chaplain Smith had already set things up to bring in outside teams, so it was fairly easy for me to follow along.

By 1998 there were teams contacting us, sometimes from out of state, wanting to come in. I had to have the name of the player, his birthday, social security #, and driver’s license #. Fairly easy then; things got complicated later on.

I have photos, as those of you who read the story of the 2010 season know, and here, I have forgone the photos due to necessity. There will follow, at some unknown point, the story of the 2012 season, which was truncated due to some prison chaos, but it will be presented sometime down the line.

Some years went by before I began to return to the prison. Altogether, I was engaged with the prison for 30 plus years. My life got busier and though I wanted to, my San Quentin years were behind me, mostly because in 2004 I began to coach baseball at high schools in Marin County. Strange, but I am coaching football, now at Terra Linda High, about to go into my fourth year. Maybe some more, too. We will see.